Yeah, We're All Slightly Used

I have absolutely nothing to say (I know, right?!?!)... 

So here is a video of my previous band just to have something on my blog on them.  

It was a great seven months with them and I learned so many things.... 

The experience, while it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, 

changed me for the better and for that, I am forever grateful.

The Fat Lady She's A-Singin'

Good Sunday Morning!

After a rough night I awoke to the fat lady singing in the distance and this did not please me...until I had a moment of clarity and realized I'm worth more than how I'm being treated.  Perhaps I'm confusing patience and understanding with something else.  I'm not sure what.  Being taken advantage of and treated poorly?  Who knows.  What I do know is I'm just trying to do what I feel in my heart is the right thing.  Give someone the benefit of the doubt - someone I know has been treated badly for a long time.  Someone I think maybe deserves a break.  Someone I think is a good man and deserves a good woman to show him what a real relationship can be - what it could be like to be appreciated and cared for.  Bah.... why go on about it.  After a moment of clarity I realized I'm worth more then how I'm being treated and I'm not going to sulk around being upset that the someone I've been getting to know and starting to care for who's been calling me his "girlfriend" has "checked out", wanting to be alone since last Tuesday or Wednesday and won't return any communications to me.  I've tried to give him the time he needs but you know what?  I think it's done.  That fat lady is singing and I'm going to let her borrow my microphone while I sit back and enjoy the song.

I definitely... deserve more.

The Great Lemon Incident of 2013

This is my first post of 2014.  And it's May.  24 posts in 2012 and 3 in 2013.  My mid-year resolution is that I'd like to start writing more frequently.  Of course there's always the question "what to write about?"... I know I don't have many followers and that's okay - I write for myself.  Hell, even if one person tells me "I really enjoyed your blog" then it's even more worth it.

I guess I'll pick up where I left off back in December... I'd made a very important discovery.  I discovered that I wasn't, in fact, broken like I thought I'd been for a long time.  I'd been alone, by choice, for years.  I'd had one serious relationship with a man who didn't feel the same about me as I did for him in the end.  I'd been living my life, spending time with my family, my friends, my dog, looking for the right band.... dating on and off and every time wondering "why do this?".  The dating part, that is.  If you've read my blog, you know the guys rarely got past Date Number One.  If they did, they sure as hell didn't get past Date Number Two.   There were always a plethora of things that bugged the hell out of me and immediately put them into the "not gonna happen" pile.  Or maybe there was just never a connection of any kind.  If they made it to Date Number Two I'd start asking myself all the same questions - what's the point of dating?  To eventually become "boyfriend and girlfriend"?  And what's the point of THAT?  Why do this?  And that was the end of that guy.  Into the pile he went.

And then I met him.  That guy.  That guy that when I saw him for the first time did absolutely nothing for me.  I didn't even think he was handsome, really.  I mean.... he wasn't ugly.... but I sure as hell wasn't weak in the knees.  He was just a guy.  And he was nice enough.  Funny.  Kind of crazy, like me.  And after the third time we saw each other through mutual friends, I asked him to go out but even then, it was just on a platonic "date".  He was recently separated and I thought a night out might be good for him - time away from his troubles and thinking and all that crap because, hey, I had been there and I knew what he was going through. Plus, I could use some company at the event I had to attend.  I simply thought we would have a fun night together - and that was IT.

And then the online conversations started.  I think it took one.  Maybe two.  They were long conversations, mind you.  Over an hour each.  He started revealing himself to me.  What was inside.  And what was inside was so much more than I could see on the outside.  And so different, to boot.  By the second conversation he hooked me.  I was interested.  Dammit.  But I couldn't help it.

And then the emails started.  The playing and the flirting.  At first I was the usual naive idiot and couldn't tell if it was the norm for him or if he actually was flirting.  Until it was so glaringly obvious.  And I flirted back.  It was fun.  I was giddy.  I hadn't felt that way in a long time.  We even talked about the fact that we were flirting and that we probably shouldn't because of our mutual friends.  But it was so much fun and what was it hurting? Right?  Pft.

And then platonic date night came around.  I told myself if he showed any interest in me - any at all - that I was going to kiss him.  I also said, aloud, so I would actually hear the words "this a probably a bad idea and it probably won't end well and someone will probably get hurt and it will most likely be me" but in the back of my  mind I thought - it doesn't HAVE to end badly and it doesn't HAVE to be me who gets hurt.... I mean, I've been known to break a few hearts here and there.  Plus, underneath the cynical, sarcastic, pessimistic exterior lies the optimistic, romantic-at-heart, always-hoping-for-her-happy-ending Shannon.  And there was just no denying the connection we had with each other.  It was like talking to someone I'd known my entire life.  That comfort level and easiness... it happened right from the beginning with him....and it was impossible to ignore.  So on we went.... and he looked good.  Damn good.  And he held his own and did everything right.  And we eventually found ourselves alone at the bar....and after a night of flirting and smiling and brushing hands and arms....I stuck a lemon in his mouth, did my lemon drop shot and sucked that baby out.  And if fireworks didn't go off somewhere at that very moment, then I don't know what happened because they sure went off in that bar when we kissed.  Talk about a connection. 

Fast forward a couple months.  I don't even know what to say.... we'd talked so much, about so much.... I felt like he completely let me in and I knew so much about him in such a short time and vice versa.  Boy did he have no problem at all breaking down that wall that I keep myself safely behind.  None.  And I happily let him through it.  I exposed myself -warm underbelly and all.  Yup.... I could see it happening with him.  I could've fallen in love with him if we kept going.  Did I mention the kissing?  Holy crap.  That boy could kiss.  I can kiss.  Put us together and again - fucking fireworks.  I guess the thing about him was that everything was so different.... and that's what people just don't get.  I don't fall for guys... I don't do a lot of the things I did with him.... I never liked things I liked with him.... shit - I was HAPPY by myself.  Without a man.  Without sex.  Without companionship and talking.  Without love.  We couldn't keep our hands off each other when we were alone.  Shit - I even let him cuddle with me at night when we went to sleep.  I'd hold him.... his head on my chest.... my arms wrapped around him, and I'd rub his head as he'd drift off to sleep.  I know it's usually the opposite way around - the guy holds the girl.... but I loved it.  I knew he was comfortable and relaxed - it was something I could give him.  A little peace in his crazy life.  And let me tell you - how in the HELL I'd fall asleep with that snoring is BEYOND me.  But it didn't bother me.  Nothing bothered me about him.  And THAT was the rarity.

Until I realized it wasn't over with his wife.

That bothered me.  And the day she hacked into his email was the day I realized I couldn't do it anymore and I had to end it.  At least I had enough wits about me to do that.  That was the day I started asking the hard questions.  And that's the day shit got real.  It wasn't over.  Maybe he thought it was - right at first - or maybe I want to believe that's what he thought.  And that's okay.  I'll believe that.  Because there are days I believe none of it was real on his end and that doesn't really do anything for me, does it?  Nope.  Some days I think it was all just an ego boost for him and wonder how many others there were besides me.  Some days I believe it was more real than anything I've ever experienced and other days I just think it was some crazy-ass connection we had that happens so rarely and because of that I confused it with real feelings.  I don't know.  It's like a bad roller-coaster than doesn't end and you can't get off.  More often than not I think it was just a blip on the map - barely even showing up on his radar - just someone he met when he left his wife who could make him feel alive and special and good.  Yeah... sometimes I feel like the complete jackass but since speculation gets you nowhere.... the one thing I AM sure of is that we did have a connection - an  undeniable connection.  Should he have brought me into his fucked up world when things weren't over with his marriage?  It just doesn't matter.  It happened.  It's done.  I've met someone else recently.  And you know what?  What "that guy" did for me was show me exactly why people do this.  He helped answer those questions I always asked myself after the first date or two.  He showed me something very, very important - something for which I am extremely grateful.... he showed me that I am not broken.  Not at all.  I am capable of loving again.  I'm not just a hard, tough, in-your-face, kind of girl.  Sure - I'm that, too.... but that's because that's the kind of girl I've needed to be all these years.... but there's so much more underneath that rough exterior.  And if this person I've recently met wants to dig a little and find that out, I just might let him.  I happen to think he's pretty damn special so far.  And if it wasn't for "that guy" I met and let break down my walls... I might never have known that.  So yeah... shit happens for a reason.  I stand behind that old, annoying saying because it's so very true.  

No regrets.  Ever.  Or I wouldn't be who or where I am today.  And I like me. And I like where I am.  And hey - I'm not broken.

Another Year Almost Over

It's December 22 and the year is almost over.  Where does the time go?  If you're not careful, it's gone before you know it and you wake up one morning to realize you spent the last 10 years of your life in some kind of perpetual sleep-walk just moving in and out of each day simply trying to make it to the next.  And for what?  Ah, that's the burning question, isn't it?  To be happy?  To provide for your children?  Your spouse?  Yourself?  So many people forget somewhere along the way what it is that even makes them happy.

Life is hard.  If it were easy, everyone would enjoy it.  I've been married twice.  Both were not the fairy-tale endings I've read about in books and watched in endless movies.  You could say they were movies, alright, but not the kind I had hoped I'd star in.  More like a mix of horror, suspense, and drama with a little bit of comedy sprinkled in.  I joke that the 2nd husband left me because it was karma's way of biting me in the ass for leaving the 1st husband.  It could very well have been but if that's the case I'm way ahead now because she took a chunk out of my ass that was so big, it surely didn't equal the crime at hand.  In any case...I wouldn't change a thing.  Not one.  Not any one bad thing that happened to me along the way.  Each rotten thing made me a little bit stronger and a little more resilient.  A little more sure of who I am and what I want.  And this is a good thing......that I sometimes need to remind myself of.  I am proud that I don't feel I need someone to "complete" me.  I'm already complete.  I'm happy.  I do for myself, I support myself, I take care of myself.  

I wonder, though, about that fairy-tale ending. I scoff at it, really - at love and romance and anything even resembling such.  I let people believe I'm sarcastic and cynical and tough and hard.  Hell, even I thought I was broken for so long I didn't even think about it anymore - I just believe it to be so.  I figured I was so broken, I'd be alone forever.  And I may be alone forever.  And that's okay.  

My mom asked me a question when I was trying to make the most difficult decision of my life - to leave my first marriage.  She asked me what if I never again found anyone.  When I answered her that I'd rather be happy by myself, than live a lie and be miserable with my then-husband, I knew I had made the decision to go.  I've never regretted that decision to this day and it still stands true.  I would much rather be alone and happy, than be with the wrong person.  But I do wonder about that happy ending.  And I have discovered that I am not broken.  And that, is at least good enough for me right now.

The Art of Kissing

Do you kiss well?  No really.  I've been saying that the art of kissing is all but dead for years now.
Kissing is a skill.  It takes practice and it takes know-how but it also, and very importantly, takes time... you don't just plant your lips on someones and you get sparks. Kissing, if done well, can be better than sex. Yes, that's what I said. Better than sex. 

I came across the following and thought I would share it because if I had to explain a good kiss to someone, it would sound very similar.  Read it.  If you're not getting lost in your kiss, you're not doing it right (yes, there are different kisses for different occasions but you know the ones I'm talking about - the ones that make your legs jello and take your breath from you).

Let's not lose this art.  I long for it when I haven't had it for a long time (which is more often than not).  If you've never felt this way during a kiss, for the love of all that is holy - what are you waiting for???  This is one art that is absolutely worth keeping around for a long, long time.

............
"It just has to be with the right person, and feel right for both parties, for it to be fantastic. In my rigorous scientific studies and exhaustive research, I have discovered that being bold, decisive and providing an element of surprise are some of the key elements of a truly great kiss.

This is tricky because you don't want to shock your lover into submission. Or perhaps you do. But if you do, you shouldn' t. A perfect kiss, basically, should be confident and come as a welcome surprise - like finding a fiver in the back of an old pair of jeans.

The perfect kiss should be like dancing a tango in Argentina - you know the steps, but there is no particular order to them. Your moves must complement your partner's. Sometimes the kisser will lead, sometimes the kissee, creating an exciting improvisational mix of form and chaos.

Cheeks will touch, shoulders be caressed, lips will brush, tongues will tease and mouths will mingle. (Obviously, don't try this with a red rose in your teeth.)

You'll know how successful your kiss is if you feel the kissee losing themselves in it. Or if they pass out through pure pleasure.

Once the lips have joined, the perfect kiss should involve tender bites, gentle sucking, the tongues should be entwined and move sensuously against each other. The tempo of movements should vary, too - a little like the percussion section of the Grimsdyke Brass Band: at one moment fast and furious, and the next soft and languid.

A kiss should give you pleasure - but you must never forget you have to give it back."

Happy 22nd Birthday, Cody

Happy 22nd Birthday, Sweet & Crazy Nephew

For Cody

Gone way too soon

Keep a fire burning in your eye
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down

I don't remember losing track of you
You were always dancing in and out of view
I must've thought you'd always be around

Always keeping things real by playing the clown
Now you're nowhere to be found

I don't know what happens when people die
Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try
It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear that I can't sing
I can't help listening

I can't help feeling stupid standing 'round
Crying as they ease you down
'Cause I know that you'd rather we were dancing

Dancing our sorrow away - right on dancing
No matter what fate chooses to play
There's nothing you can do about it anyway

Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone

Keep a fire for the human race
Let your prayers go drifting into space
You never know what will be coming down

Perhaps a better world is drawing near
And just as easily, it could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning you might have found

Don't let the uncertainty turn you around
The world keeps turning around and around
Go on and make a joyful sound

Into a dancer you have grown
From a seed somebody else has thrown
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own
And somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive but you'll never know

The Ratz Are Back!

The Ratz Are Back!!!

Shore Ratz debut at Scott and Allyson Rosen's wedding on 12/2/12

The Shore Ratz are:

Shannon M. Bray - Vocals

Jules Levitt - Guitar & Vocals

Rich Meyer - Bass & Vocals

Scott Rosen - Drums

www.ShoreRatz.com