Another Year Almost Over

It's December 22 and the year is almost over.  Where does the time go?  If you're not careful, it's gone before you know it and you wake up one morning to realize you spent the last 10 years of your life in some kind of perpetual sleep-walk just moving in and out of each day simply trying to make it to the next.  And for what?  Ah, that's the burning question, isn't it?  To be happy?  To provide for your children?  Your spouse?  Yourself?  So many people forget somewhere along the way what it is that even makes them happy.

Life is hard.  If it were easy, everyone would enjoy it.  I've been married twice.  Both were not the fairy-tale endings I've read about in books and watched in endless movies.  You could say they were movies, alright, but not the kind I had hoped I'd star in.  More like a mix of horror, suspense, and drama with a little bit of comedy sprinkled in.  I joke that the 2nd husband left me because it was karma's way of biting me in the ass for leaving the 1st husband.  It could very well have been but if that's the case I'm way ahead now because she took a chunk out of my ass that was so big, it surely didn't equal the crime at hand.  In any case...I wouldn't change a thing.  Not one.  Not any one bad thing that happened to me along the way.  Each rotten thing made me a little bit stronger and a little more resilient.  A little more sure of who I am and what I want.  And this is a good thing......that I sometimes need to remind myself of.  I am proud that I don't feel I need someone to "complete" me.  I'm already complete.  I'm happy.  I do for myself, I support myself, I take care of myself.  

I wonder, though, about that fairy-tale ending. I scoff at it, really - at love and romance and anything even resembling such.  I let people believe I'm sarcastic and cynical and tough and hard.  Hell, even I thought I was broken for so long I didn't even think about it anymore - I just believe it to be so.  I figured I was so broken, I'd be alone forever.  And I may be alone forever.  And that's okay.  

My mom asked me a question when I was trying to make the most difficult decision of my life - to leave my first marriage.  She asked me what if I never again found anyone.  When I answered her that I'd rather be happy by myself, than live a lie and be miserable with my then-husband, I knew I had made the decision to go.  I've never regretted that decision to this day and it still stands true.  I would much rather be alone and happy, than be with the wrong person.  But I do wonder about that happy ending.  And I have discovered that I am not broken.  And that, is at least good enough for me right now.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

I guess I’m feeling a little melancholy today and didn’t even realize it until now (at half past noon) because a song just came on the radio and it literally made me stop what I was doing and sit there until I started to cry as the lyrics rolled on.


"Promise me you'll always be happy by my side and I promise I'll sing to you when all the music dies."  I'm pretty sure that did it.

I’m not sure when it happened but somewhere along the way I lost the hope and faith and eternal optimism I’ve always seemed to not try hard to have (sorry Matty) that I’ll find him (or her). That everything happens for a reason and when the time is right -usually when you’re not looking- you’ll find them. That there is someone for everyone. That someone will love me for exactly who I am. Oh, you know….. all those clichés that I actually believe(d).

My girlfriend says I need to really believe it. That I need to “put it out there” and I’ll “get it back” or something like that (I really was listening, Alisa – you know I just have a hard time retaining). She says it’s all about energy and I can’t have negative energy or it’ll never happen. Well guess what? I’ve got the negative energy... and lots of it! It’s all around me. I can’t rid myself of it because, well, I don’t believe the bullshit anymore, I suppose. Or maybe I’m just going through some kind of shitty phase. I’m think I’m gonna go with that because it’s easier to accept.

But I’m not going to sit here and whine about how I can’t find that special one for me. It’s just so, whiny, you know? Just know that if I were a negative barometer, I’d be at a minus 10 right about now!!