The Fat Lady She's A-Singin'

Good Sunday Morning!

After a rough night I awoke to the fat lady singing in the distance and this did not please me...until I had a moment of clarity and realized I'm worth more than how I'm being treated.  Perhaps I'm confusing patience and understanding with something else.  I'm not sure what.  Being taken advantage of and treated poorly?  Who knows.  What I do know is I'm just trying to do what I feel in my heart is the right thing.  Give someone the benefit of the doubt - someone I know has been treated badly for a long time.  Someone I think maybe deserves a break.  Someone I think is a good man and deserves a good woman to show him what a real relationship can be - what it could be like to be appreciated and cared for.  Bah.... why go on about it.  After a moment of clarity I realized I'm worth more then how I'm being treated and I'm not going to sulk around being upset that the someone I've been getting to know and starting to care for who's been calling me his "girlfriend" has "checked out", wanting to be alone since last Tuesday or Wednesday and won't return any communications to me.  I've tried to give him the time he needs but you know what?  I think it's done.  That fat lady is singing and I'm going to let her borrow my microphone while I sit back and enjoy the song.

I definitely... deserve more.

Another Year Almost Over

It's December 22 and the year is almost over.  Where does the time go?  If you're not careful, it's gone before you know it and you wake up one morning to realize you spent the last 10 years of your life in some kind of perpetual sleep-walk just moving in and out of each day simply trying to make it to the next.  And for what?  Ah, that's the burning question, isn't it?  To be happy?  To provide for your children?  Your spouse?  Yourself?  So many people forget somewhere along the way what it is that even makes them happy.

Life is hard.  If it were easy, everyone would enjoy it.  I've been married twice.  Both were not the fairy-tale endings I've read about in books and watched in endless movies.  You could say they were movies, alright, but not the kind I had hoped I'd star in.  More like a mix of horror, suspense, and drama with a little bit of comedy sprinkled in.  I joke that the 2nd husband left me because it was karma's way of biting me in the ass for leaving the 1st husband.  It could very well have been but if that's the case I'm way ahead now because she took a chunk out of my ass that was so big, it surely didn't equal the crime at hand.  In any case...I wouldn't change a thing.  Not one.  Not any one bad thing that happened to me along the way.  Each rotten thing made me a little bit stronger and a little more resilient.  A little more sure of who I am and what I want.  And this is a good thing......that I sometimes need to remind myself of.  I am proud that I don't feel I need someone to "complete" me.  I'm already complete.  I'm happy.  I do for myself, I support myself, I take care of myself.  

I wonder, though, about that fairy-tale ending. I scoff at it, really - at love and romance and anything even resembling such.  I let people believe I'm sarcastic and cynical and tough and hard.  Hell, even I thought I was broken for so long I didn't even think about it anymore - I just believe it to be so.  I figured I was so broken, I'd be alone forever.  And I may be alone forever.  And that's okay.  

My mom asked me a question when I was trying to make the most difficult decision of my life - to leave my first marriage.  She asked me what if I never again found anyone.  When I answered her that I'd rather be happy by myself, than live a lie and be miserable with my then-husband, I knew I had made the decision to go.  I've never regretted that decision to this day and it still stands true.  I would much rather be alone and happy, than be with the wrong person.  But I do wonder about that happy ending.  And I have discovered that I am not broken.  And that, is at least good enough for me right now.

For You.... The Brightest Star

I lit a fire with the love you left behind
And it burned wild and crept up the mountainside
I followed your ashes into outer space
I can't look out the window
I can't look at this place

I can't look at the stars...
They make me wonder where you are
Stars... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars

All those times we looked up at the sky
Looking out so far, we felt like we could fly
And now I'm all alone in the dark of night
The moon is shining but I can't see the light

And I can't look at the stars...
They make me wonder where you are
Stars... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars

Stars...
Stars... they make me wonder where you are
Stars... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I can't look at the stars

Home Is Where The Heart Is

I guess I’m feeling a little melancholy today and didn’t even realize it until now (at half past noon) because a song just came on the radio and it literally made me stop what I was doing and sit there until I started to cry as the lyrics rolled on.


"Promise me you'll always be happy by my side and I promise I'll sing to you when all the music dies."  I'm pretty sure that did it.

I’m not sure when it happened but somewhere along the way I lost the hope and faith and eternal optimism I’ve always seemed to not try hard to have (sorry Matty) that I’ll find him (or her). That everything happens for a reason and when the time is right -usually when you’re not looking- you’ll find them. That there is someone for everyone. That someone will love me for exactly who I am. Oh, you know….. all those clichés that I actually believe(d).

My girlfriend says I need to really believe it. That I need to “put it out there” and I’ll “get it back” or something like that (I really was listening, Alisa – you know I just have a hard time retaining). She says it’s all about energy and I can’t have negative energy or it’ll never happen. Well guess what? I’ve got the negative energy... and lots of it! It’s all around me. I can’t rid myself of it because, well, I don’t believe the bullshit anymore, I suppose. Or maybe I’m just going through some kind of shitty phase. I’m think I’m gonna go with that because it’s easier to accept.

But I’m not going to sit here and whine about how I can’t find that special one for me. It’s just so, whiny, you know? Just know that if I were a negative barometer, I’d be at a minus 10 right about now!!

One Happy Dog (just not mine)

I saw this on another blog and loved it.  I thought it was time for something light-hearted and happy. 

The woman's caption said she wished everyone was as happy as this dog.

Or she'd accept even half as happy. True enough. I hope you enjoy as much as I did.

The Joys of Online Dating - Scene #4

The 1st Date

We set the time for 6:30-6:45 but we didn't make it until then.  I'm not sure who was more excited and can only speak for myself when I say I was pretty freakin' giddy.  We met at 6:15pm.  He was waiting for me beside his car in the parking lot.  He looked just like his pictures.  A relief.  I got a big hug.  Very nice. 

An hour and a half later and we were still talking and laughing at our table in the corner and hadn't ordered dinner yet.  He was sweet and nice and funny and quirky.  He talked and he listened.  He asked me questions about myself and seemed genuinely interested in hearing the answers.  On occasion, he reached across the table and took my hands in his.  And I let him.  And just in case he wasn't making enough of a mark on me, every so often, he'd quote part of my profile.  So not only did he read it, he actually remembered what it said.

We ate a couple of burgers and it was time to get going but not before we decided to take the dogs to the dog park this weekend.  He walked me to my car and....

....a lady doesn't kiss and tell. 

As my first husband used to say "that's no lady, that's my wife"..... so I'll just say his lips were so very soft and he was a complete gentleman which I was extremely pleased to discover because you know how much I hate the end of a 1st date!

The Joys of Online Dating -Scene #3

I've got a date.  I know - scary.  What's even scarier is that I haven't canceled it yet.  Anyone who knows me knows I cancel all first dates by the time the day of the date rolls around.  Five hours and counting.  And there's not a chance in Hell I'm canceling this one. 

He emailed me on Monday (as in, two days ago).  He sent only two sentences which would normally not sit well with me.  He asked that I write back.  Then he wrote "pretty please" in caps.  How could I not?  His profile read well, his pictures looked good (hard to see but for one), he had things to say, I LIKED what he said, he was close by..... I'm sure there's something wrong with him, I thought.

I logged onto the dating site in hopes to find him there.  I wanted to chat with seemingly Mr. Perfect-For-Me.  He wasn't on.  I futzed around doing other things.  As I was about to log off, I saw him.  I IM'd him.  Connection.  We chatted for about 30 minutes.  He seemed as good as his profile.  Okay.  Caution.  He asked me to call him.  You know I hate the phone.  I called.  An hour and a half (or so - I lost track of time) we hung up.  I think I smiled most of the conversation.  He wanted to meet me.  I wanted the same.

The next day I talked to him during my entire lunch hour.  When could he see me?  When did he want to meet, I asked.  "A half hour ago" he said.  Big smile.  Damn - he keeps saying the right things.  The following night.  He picked the place.

Each time we talk, email, or text, we find more we think alike or have in common.  It's downright eerie.  Tonight will be interesting, to say the least.  All I know is I haven't been looking forward to a date this much in I don't know how long.  My guess would be John, dare I speak the name?  I'd say my golden rule of not getting my hopes up is still intact but I'd by lying through my teeth fingers.

Did I mention he has a black lab?

That's What Friends Are For (or are they?)

I've had many friends throughout my life. Of course, my idea of what a friend is has changed many times over the years. I guess that's normal as we get older and wiser. When I was a child, I thought my best friend then would always be my best friend. I didn't know any better. Who am I kidding, even as a young adult, after having quite a few "best friends" I thought the one I had at that point in time was going to be it until I got old and gray. This is the part of me that is forever optimistic and always seeing the good in people. At 42 I still hold on to that shit (even though I call it shit) and believe it always works out the way it is supposed to (which is supposed to be good) and people, deep down, will do the right thing. Shit, right? Yeah, well, I didn't say it was accurate, I just said I still hang on to it.

  

Anyway....I read something once early on - a poem or some such thing. I just looked it up (gotta love the Internet) - it was the Reason, Season and Lifetime friend poem and it said people either come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some of it is hokey but some of it made a whole lot of sense to me. It made me understand why friends come and go. Or maybe it just gave me a reason to believe why they went. Because sometimes I just didn't understand. I started to think my expectations were too high.  Or maybe there was something wrong with me. Or maybe I didn't deserve friends who stayed. 

I like to think that people do come into your life for a reason and you may not know what that is until quite some time down the road because it hurts when they go, but eventually, you do figure it out. Some of my friends now are text friends. Some are shopping friends. Some are hang out and have a beer friends. And some.... very few.... would drive an hour, at three in the morning to come and pick me up if I called them because I needed a ride. Those people.... they are my friends. If you're lucky, you get a few of those in your life and you hang on to them. I've never been one of those people, though, who had a friend like that since kindergarten or grammar school or even high school. I always envied people who had that and wished I did.

What I do have is one friend who I've known since 1988. He is, by far, the person I've known the longest and am still extremely close with. He is and always has been, my soul mate. He knows me inside and out. He can look at me and know what I'm thinking. I hardly see him anymore but I bet he can still finish my sentences. He understands me and who I really am and what makes me tic. He understood me, I think, before I even did. And the really cool part? He accepts me for exactly who I am - faults and all (and I have a lot)!

SO.... why am I not with him you might be wondering? Good question (my first band). We'd probably kill each other.  I love him. I need him. We just can't be with each other.  I tried. I really did. I dated him.... slept with him, even. Several times. I tried everything I could think of to MAKE myself feel that way about him. But you know what 'they' say? You can't make the heart love somebody. I can tell you exactly how true that statement is because I tried so very hard. I knew if I married that man, he would make me happy for the rest of my life or do whatever was in his power to try. But I didn't. I couldn't. It wasn't fair. So 23 years later he's miserable and I'm alone.

I've dated all the wrong men.  Men who didn't care about me. One who mentally, emotionally and physically abused me. One who verbally belittled me every chance he got. One who only cared about his work. Oh, there were many. They weren't all bad. They just didn't work out for one reason or another. But there was always him. My friend. The one who knew the real me. The one no one else knew or tried to know. Not even my husbands. And you know what's funny? After two failed marriages and many relationships, the one thing I've come to realize is that at the end of the day, I want someone I can call my best friend. The one who I know, no matter what.... in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, through richer or poorer - loves me. The real me. Not the picture of somebody he was hoping I might be. I want a friend.

I wonder if I'll ever find that.  I know I'll keep looking.  Or not looking (isn't that when it finds you?)  The one thing I know for sure is that I will always have my dear friend. And that, I cherish.