I Died Today

My name is Harrison.  Today is Wednesday, June 10, 2015.  I died today.

But let me tell you my story.  I'll try to make it brief.  I was born in North Carolina and at 8 weeks old was adopted by a very nice woman and her husband.  She became my mama for life. 

I had two older brothers and a younger sister -Grizz, Indiana, and Bella.

Indiana Jackson

Bella Georgia Rose

Grizz

Life was good and I was happy.  Except when my dad yelled.  Either at me or at mom.  That scared me very much.  But mom knew I didn't know what I was doing wrong when he yelled and she protected me.  Once, when she opened the front door I was so excited to see what was out there, I ran outside and up the street.  It was so neat - I had never been in the front of the house before!  I barely heard mom running behind me yelling my name.  After that mom started some serious training with me.  I never ran out the front door after that and she could even hold it wide open but I just sat there and waited for her to tell me what to do because I loved to make my mama happy.  And once she explained to me what she expected of me, it was really easy to learn.  After all, I was a very smart boy and I had no problem learning what to do.  My sister, on the other hand.... that's another story.  I even did this special test where I had to do all these fun things and listen to my mom really, really carefully and do exactly what she said and there were these funny looking chairs with wheels on them and sticks that people were walking with and all kinds of people and other dogs.  But I did exactly what I was supposed to do and afterwards, they gave me a piece of paper that said I was a Certified Canine Good Citizen.  I don't know what that means, but I know my mom was really happy and proud of me because she kept telling me what a good boy I was and how much she loved me.  None of my brothers or my sister were Canine Good Citizens.  

I was the special one.

I love to sleep, just like my mama!

Mom and I moved a few times.  Without Dad.  I didn't mind - he yelled too much.  We moved without Indiana and Grizz and it was just me and Bella.  I didn't really miss them because we all went to see them every day.  For a while mom was really sad.  She'd cry a lot.  I didn't like when she cried.  I'd leave the room when she did.  It just made me too sad to see her like that.  

My Yaya

My Papi

It wasn't long after that that mama and I packed up the car and we took a really long ride without my sister.  Mom says she went to live with Daddy and Indiana.  We went to see grandma and grandpa or as I call them, Yaya and Papi.  We never left.  We stayed with Yaya and Papi for a while and I discovered stairs.  But better than that, I discovered snow.  Snow was really cool and I loved running around in it.  I'd hop around in it like a rabbit.  My mom would just laugh and laugh.  We had such good times together.  Life was such an adventure!  And she always took me with her.  I didn't really miss my brothers and sister because I had mama all to myself and I got all her love and didn't have to share it with them.  Plus, Yaya and Papi loved me now, too, and I loved them.

One of my 1st Snowfalls in NJ

We moved a few more times after that but I always loved my home because I was there with mom.  She showered me with love and treats and bones and good food.  I had more toys than I could even play with!  My favorite was my squeaky ball.  I loved to chase my squeaky ball.  We used to have great games of fetch and I even knew how to bring the ball back to my mom

so she could throw it again for me.

You can watch me play fetch with Papi in this video:

Sometimes I'd stay with mama's good friend, Frank.  He had a little dog and we became friends, too.  But he was much older than me so we didn't play or anything.  I still liked him though- he was mellow, like me.  I loved Uncle Frank.  He spoiled me.  He always let me lay on him and he'd pet me as long as I'd lay there.  I really liked sitting on his feet.

My buddy, Uncle Frank

See Uncle Frank? I'm laying on him.

I turned 10 on November 29, 2014 - that's 70 in my own years.  

I was loving life and all my adventures.  I'd been on boats, to the beach, swimming in pools, to street fairs, to North Carolina and New Jersey and everywhere in between.... no matter what my mama did, I was her co-pilot in life.  She took me wherever she could.

Mom always took me with her. 

Shortly after the new year something changed.  I felt different.  There was something that didn't belong.  Something was growing inside me.  I wanted to be closer to my mama after that.  Physically.  When she sat on the couch, I got as close to her as I could - sometimes on top of her if she'd let me 

(and she usually did).  

It just made me feel better to have her stroking my fur and holding me.  She let me sleep in bed with her every night at this point.  Instead of always sleeping at the foot of the bed like I usually did, I would get right up by her head.  She'd wrap her arm around me and I'd fall asleep on her chest. 

We did that a lot.  

I think she really liked it.  

She always told me I was the best dog ever.  

I think my mama knew something was wrong, too.  We went to the doctor but the doctor just said I might be starting the beginning stages of senility.  I don't think mom bought it.  Around the same time, a lump started growing on the side of my chest.  I had a bunch of lumps.  But this one was different.  It grew fast.  We went to the doctor again and mom found out my liver was a little off.  I took meds for a month but it didn't help.  I knew it wouldn't.  The lump grew bigger.  They looked at my insides and saw an even bigger lump - the doctor called it a tumor.  They told my mom in March that I had cancer.  A huge tumor in my liver and more little ones in my spleen.  The doctor said he didn't think I'd make it to 2016.  Mom was upset.  And that's when the chicken started.  I got LOTS of chicken!  Mom didn't cry much after that - every now and again.  But for the most part, we just enjoyed every day together.  She hand fed me my dinner a lot of nights.  That was fun - it was kind of like a game.  I still ran around a lot because my energy level was pretty high.

Then I had two seizures in a week.  I didn't really feel anything but it was pretty upsetting for Yaya, Papi and mama.  We went to the doctor each time.  You know, I don't know what all the other dogs fuss about with the doctor because I loved going there!  All the girls were always so nice to me and pet me and loved me and told me what a good and handsome boy I was.  Anyway, I digress.... it started to hurt a little to jump off of mama's bed but she'd help me when I'd let her.  Other than that, I wasn't too uncomfortable.  I didn't let mom know, anyway.  Until I couldn't stand that lump anymore.  I bit it one night and it started to bleed.  It never really stopped.  

Mom and Yaya and I went to the doctor again.  He told her I wouldn't get any better - only worse from that point on.  Mom had always asked me to let her know when it was time to let me go.  I did my best to let her know that day.  But I was so happy, it was hard.  I think she heard me, though.  Because I played with my cousin Toby that morning and ran around like a fool.  

Then mom gave me the biggest bone ever.  When Toby stole it, they yelled at him and gave it back to me and put him in the kitchen so I could chew on my bone in peace.  After that, Yaya and mom and I went to visit another lady I loved.  The chicken lady.  I got spaghetti and meatballs!!!  A lot of it!!!  After that we met Uncle Frank for ice cream and I got my very own cone!  I couldn't even finish it, I was so full!!

We went back to Yaya and Papi's house and mom and I took a nap on the floor.  Those were some of my favorite times - napping with my mama.  
And then we went back to the doctor.  

I know how hard it was for my mom to let me go.  I'm glad she did, though..... she didn't want me to suffer - not even for a day.  I was happy - I had such a wonderful life with her.  All the adventures we took together!  I was loved by many.  I didn't mind that it was my time to go.  I would miss her and I know she'd miss me..... but it was time.  Yaya and mom stroked my fur and told me how much they loved me and what a good dog I was.  But I got so tired, so quickly and I had to go to sleep.  

Yaya says I'm still just sleeping.  Mom knows I'm sleeping in her heart and I will always be there with her.  I'll never leave her.  And I know she'll never forget me.  I was her first good boy.  The best dog ever.  Her co-pilot.  And I will wait for her however long it takes to see her again....over the Rainbow Bridge.

HARRISON BUFFETT

Rest in Peace, My Sweet Boy

11-29-04 - 06-10-15
Dog Is My Co-Pilot

Video of me Swimming in the Pool:

I love you so very much, Harrison Buffett.
You saved my life more than once.  I didn't rescue you, you rescued me.  
My life will never be the same and through all this pain of missing you, I wouldn't trade the last 10.5 years with you for anything in this world.
You were my first...and there will never be another like you.
Bubbaloo, Bubbers, Baba Booey, Hairball, Har, Buggaboo, 
Harry Harrison, Bubs, Pumpkin, Lumpey.
I called you a lot of things but the one consistent thing I called you 
was my best friend.
You are the only being who got that honor for 10.5 years straight.  
But really, it was MY honor.  I will miss you more than words can say.  
My world will not be the same without you here.  
I feel like part of my body is missing.  
But you let me know it was time and I could not let you suffer even one day 
and all I can do is take solace in knowing I did right by you.

It was one hell of a ride, wasn't it, my handsome boy?

I will see you again someday.  Count on it.  
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Mama 

The Great Lemon Incident of 2013

This is my first post of 2014.  And it's May.  24 posts in 2012 and 3 in 2013.  My mid-year resolution is that I'd like to start writing more frequently.  Of course there's always the question "what to write about?"... I know I don't have many followers and that's okay - I write for myself.  Hell, even if one person tells me "I really enjoyed your blog" then it's even more worth it.

I guess I'll pick up where I left off back in December... I'd made a very important discovery.  I discovered that I wasn't, in fact, broken like I thought I'd been for a long time.  I'd been alone, by choice, for years.  I'd had one serious relationship with a man who didn't feel the same about me as I did for him in the end.  I'd been living my life, spending time with my family, my friends, my dog, looking for the right band.... dating on and off and every time wondering "why do this?".  The dating part, that is.  If you've read my blog, you know the guys rarely got past Date Number One.  If they did, they sure as hell didn't get past Date Number Two.   There were always a plethora of things that bugged the hell out of me and immediately put them into the "not gonna happen" pile.  Or maybe there was just never a connection of any kind.  If they made it to Date Number Two I'd start asking myself all the same questions - what's the point of dating?  To eventually become "boyfriend and girlfriend"?  And what's the point of THAT?  Why do this?  And that was the end of that guy.  Into the pile he went.

And then I met him.  That guy.  That guy that when I saw him for the first time did absolutely nothing for me.  I didn't even think he was handsome, really.  I mean.... he wasn't ugly.... but I sure as hell wasn't weak in the knees.  He was just a guy.  And he was nice enough.  Funny.  Kind of crazy, like me.  And after the third time we saw each other through mutual friends, I asked him to go out but even then, it was just on a platonic "date".  He was recently separated and I thought a night out might be good for him - time away from his troubles and thinking and all that crap because, hey, I had been there and I knew what he was going through. Plus, I could use some company at the event I had to attend.  I simply thought we would have a fun night together - and that was IT.

And then the online conversations started.  I think it took one.  Maybe two.  They were long conversations, mind you.  Over an hour each.  He started revealing himself to me.  What was inside.  And what was inside was so much more than I could see on the outside.  And so different, to boot.  By the second conversation he hooked me.  I was interested.  Dammit.  But I couldn't help it.

And then the emails started.  The playing and the flirting.  At first I was the usual naive idiot and couldn't tell if it was the norm for him or if he actually was flirting.  Until it was so glaringly obvious.  And I flirted back.  It was fun.  I was giddy.  I hadn't felt that way in a long time.  We even talked about the fact that we were flirting and that we probably shouldn't because of our mutual friends.  But it was so much fun and what was it hurting? Right?  Pft.

And then platonic date night came around.  I told myself if he showed any interest in me - any at all - that I was going to kiss him.  I also said, aloud, so I would actually hear the words "this a probably a bad idea and it probably won't end well and someone will probably get hurt and it will most likely be me" but in the back of my  mind I thought - it doesn't HAVE to end badly and it doesn't HAVE to be me who gets hurt.... I mean, I've been known to break a few hearts here and there.  Plus, underneath the cynical, sarcastic, pessimistic exterior lies the optimistic, romantic-at-heart, always-hoping-for-her-happy-ending Shannon.  And there was just no denying the connection we had with each other.  It was like talking to someone I'd known my entire life.  That comfort level and easiness... it happened right from the beginning with him....and it was impossible to ignore.  So on we went.... and he looked good.  Damn good.  And he held his own and did everything right.  And we eventually found ourselves alone at the bar....and after a night of flirting and smiling and brushing hands and arms....I stuck a lemon in his mouth, did my lemon drop shot and sucked that baby out.  And if fireworks didn't go off somewhere at that very moment, then I don't know what happened because they sure went off in that bar when we kissed.  Talk about a connection. 

Fast forward a couple months.  I don't even know what to say.... we'd talked so much, about so much.... I felt like he completely let me in and I knew so much about him in such a short time and vice versa.  Boy did he have no problem at all breaking down that wall that I keep myself safely behind.  None.  And I happily let him through it.  I exposed myself -warm underbelly and all.  Yup.... I could see it happening with him.  I could've fallen in love with him if we kept going.  Did I mention the kissing?  Holy crap.  That boy could kiss.  I can kiss.  Put us together and again - fucking fireworks.  I guess the thing about him was that everything was so different.... and that's what people just don't get.  I don't fall for guys... I don't do a lot of the things I did with him.... I never liked things I liked with him.... shit - I was HAPPY by myself.  Without a man.  Without sex.  Without companionship and talking.  Without love.  We couldn't keep our hands off each other when we were alone.  Shit - I even let him cuddle with me at night when we went to sleep.  I'd hold him.... his head on my chest.... my arms wrapped around him, and I'd rub his head as he'd drift off to sleep.  I know it's usually the opposite way around - the guy holds the girl.... but I loved it.  I knew he was comfortable and relaxed - it was something I could give him.  A little peace in his crazy life.  And let me tell you - how in the HELL I'd fall asleep with that snoring is BEYOND me.  But it didn't bother me.  Nothing bothered me about him.  And THAT was the rarity.

Until I realized it wasn't over with his wife.

That bothered me.  And the day she hacked into his email was the day I realized I couldn't do it anymore and I had to end it.  At least I had enough wits about me to do that.  That was the day I started asking the hard questions.  And that's the day shit got real.  It wasn't over.  Maybe he thought it was - right at first - or maybe I want to believe that's what he thought.  And that's okay.  I'll believe that.  Because there are days I believe none of it was real on his end and that doesn't really do anything for me, does it?  Nope.  Some days I think it was all just an ego boost for him and wonder how many others there were besides me.  Some days I believe it was more real than anything I've ever experienced and other days I just think it was some crazy-ass connection we had that happens so rarely and because of that I confused it with real feelings.  I don't know.  It's like a bad roller-coaster than doesn't end and you can't get off.  More often than not I think it was just a blip on the map - barely even showing up on his radar - just someone he met when he left his wife who could make him feel alive and special and good.  Yeah... sometimes I feel like the complete jackass but since speculation gets you nowhere.... the one thing I AM sure of is that we did have a connection - an  undeniable connection.  Should he have brought me into his fucked up world when things weren't over with his marriage?  It just doesn't matter.  It happened.  It's done.  I've met someone else recently.  And you know what?  What "that guy" did for me was show me exactly why people do this.  He helped answer those questions I always asked myself after the first date or two.  He showed me something very, very important - something for which I am extremely grateful.... he showed me that I am not broken.  Not at all.  I am capable of loving again.  I'm not just a hard, tough, in-your-face, kind of girl.  Sure - I'm that, too.... but that's because that's the kind of girl I've needed to be all these years.... but there's so much more underneath that rough exterior.  And if this person I've recently met wants to dig a little and find that out, I just might let him.  I happen to think he's pretty damn special so far.  And if it wasn't for "that guy" I met and let break down my walls... I might never have known that.  So yeah... shit happens for a reason.  I stand behind that old, annoying saying because it's so very true.  

No regrets.  Ever.  Or I wouldn't be who or where I am today.  And I like me. And I like where I am.  And hey - I'm not broken.

Another Year Almost Over

It's December 22 and the year is almost over.  Where does the time go?  If you're not careful, it's gone before you know it and you wake up one morning to realize you spent the last 10 years of your life in some kind of perpetual sleep-walk just moving in and out of each day simply trying to make it to the next.  And for what?  Ah, that's the burning question, isn't it?  To be happy?  To provide for your children?  Your spouse?  Yourself?  So many people forget somewhere along the way what it is that even makes them happy.

Life is hard.  If it were easy, everyone would enjoy it.  I've been married twice.  Both were not the fairy-tale endings I've read about in books and watched in endless movies.  You could say they were movies, alright, but not the kind I had hoped I'd star in.  More like a mix of horror, suspense, and drama with a little bit of comedy sprinkled in.  I joke that the 2nd husband left me because it was karma's way of biting me in the ass for leaving the 1st husband.  It could very well have been but if that's the case I'm way ahead now because she took a chunk out of my ass that was so big, it surely didn't equal the crime at hand.  In any case...I wouldn't change a thing.  Not one.  Not any one bad thing that happened to me along the way.  Each rotten thing made me a little bit stronger and a little more resilient.  A little more sure of who I am and what I want.  And this is a good thing......that I sometimes need to remind myself of.  I am proud that I don't feel I need someone to "complete" me.  I'm already complete.  I'm happy.  I do for myself, I support myself, I take care of myself.  

I wonder, though, about that fairy-tale ending. I scoff at it, really - at love and romance and anything even resembling such.  I let people believe I'm sarcastic and cynical and tough and hard.  Hell, even I thought I was broken for so long I didn't even think about it anymore - I just believe it to be so.  I figured I was so broken, I'd be alone forever.  And I may be alone forever.  And that's okay.  

My mom asked me a question when I was trying to make the most difficult decision of my life - to leave my first marriage.  She asked me what if I never again found anyone.  When I answered her that I'd rather be happy by myself, than live a lie and be miserable with my then-husband, I knew I had made the decision to go.  I've never regretted that decision to this day and it still stands true.  I would much rather be alone and happy, than be with the wrong person.  But I do wonder about that happy ending.  And I have discovered that I am not broken.  And that, is at least good enough for me right now.

The Art of Kissing

Do you kiss well?  No really.  I've been saying that the art of kissing is all but dead for years now.
Kissing is a skill.  It takes practice and it takes know-how but it also, and very importantly, takes time... you don't just plant your lips on someones and you get sparks. Kissing, if done well, can be better than sex. Yes, that's what I said. Better than sex. 

I came across the following and thought I would share it because if I had to explain a good kiss to someone, it would sound very similar.  Read it.  If you're not getting lost in your kiss, you're not doing it right (yes, there are different kisses for different occasions but you know the ones I'm talking about - the ones that make your legs jello and take your breath from you).

Let's not lose this art.  I long for it when I haven't had it for a long time (which is more often than not).  If you've never felt this way during a kiss, for the love of all that is holy - what are you waiting for???  This is one art that is absolutely worth keeping around for a long, long time.

............
"It just has to be with the right person, and feel right for both parties, for it to be fantastic. In my rigorous scientific studies and exhaustive research, I have discovered that being bold, decisive and providing an element of surprise are some of the key elements of a truly great kiss.

This is tricky because you don't want to shock your lover into submission. Or perhaps you do. But if you do, you shouldn' t. A perfect kiss, basically, should be confident and come as a welcome surprise - like finding a fiver in the back of an old pair of jeans.

The perfect kiss should be like dancing a tango in Argentina - you know the steps, but there is no particular order to them. Your moves must complement your partner's. Sometimes the kisser will lead, sometimes the kissee, creating an exciting improvisational mix of form and chaos.

Cheeks will touch, shoulders be caressed, lips will brush, tongues will tease and mouths will mingle. (Obviously, don't try this with a red rose in your teeth.)

You'll know how successful your kiss is if you feel the kissee losing themselves in it. Or if they pass out through pure pleasure.

Once the lips have joined, the perfect kiss should involve tender bites, gentle sucking, the tongues should be entwined and move sensuously against each other. The tempo of movements should vary, too - a little like the percussion section of the Grimsdyke Brass Band: at one moment fast and furious, and the next soft and languid.

A kiss should give you pleasure - but you must never forget you have to give it back."

Happy 22nd Birthday, Cody

Happy 22nd Birthday, Sweet & Crazy Nephew

For Cody

Gone way too soon

Keep a fire burning in your eye
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down

I don't remember losing track of you
You were always dancing in and out of view
I must've thought you'd always be around

Always keeping things real by playing the clown
Now you're nowhere to be found

I don't know what happens when people die
Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try
It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear that I can't sing
I can't help listening

I can't help feeling stupid standing 'round
Crying as they ease you down
'Cause I know that you'd rather we were dancing

Dancing our sorrow away - right on dancing
No matter what fate chooses to play
There's nothing you can do about it anyway

Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone

Keep a fire for the human race
Let your prayers go drifting into space
You never know what will be coming down

Perhaps a better world is drawing near
And just as easily, it could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning you might have found

Don't let the uncertainty turn you around
The world keeps turning around and around
Go on and make a joyful sound

Into a dancer you have grown
From a seed somebody else has thrown
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own
And somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive but you'll never know

For You.... The Brightest Star

I lit a fire with the love you left behind
And it burned wild and crept up the mountainside
I followed your ashes into outer space
I can't look out the window
I can't look at this place

I can't look at the stars...
They make me wonder where you are
Stars... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars

All those times we looked up at the sky
Looking out so far, we felt like we could fly
And now I'm all alone in the dark of night
The moon is shining but I can't see the light

And I can't look at the stars...
They make me wonder where you are
Stars... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars

Stars...
Stars... they make me wonder where you are
Stars... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I can't look at the stars

Home Is Where The Heart Is

I guess I’m feeling a little melancholy today and didn’t even realize it until now (at half past noon) because a song just came on the radio and it literally made me stop what I was doing and sit there until I started to cry as the lyrics rolled on.


"Promise me you'll always be happy by my side and I promise I'll sing to you when all the music dies."  I'm pretty sure that did it.

I’m not sure when it happened but somewhere along the way I lost the hope and faith and eternal optimism I’ve always seemed to not try hard to have (sorry Matty) that I’ll find him (or her). That everything happens for a reason and when the time is right -usually when you’re not looking- you’ll find them. That there is someone for everyone. That someone will love me for exactly who I am. Oh, you know….. all those clichés that I actually believe(d).

My girlfriend says I need to really believe it. That I need to “put it out there” and I’ll “get it back” or something like that (I really was listening, Alisa – you know I just have a hard time retaining). She says it’s all about energy and I can’t have negative energy or it’ll never happen. Well guess what? I’ve got the negative energy... and lots of it! It’s all around me. I can’t rid myself of it because, well, I don’t believe the bullshit anymore, I suppose. Or maybe I’m just going through some kind of shitty phase. I’m think I’m gonna go with that because it’s easier to accept.

But I’m not going to sit here and whine about how I can’t find that special one for me. It’s just so, whiny, you know? Just know that if I were a negative barometer, I’d be at a minus 10 right about now!!

Another 1st Date

I keep doing it.  I'm told I have to forge on.... I have to weed them out.  I, myself, say it's process of elimination.  Sure, it makes sense, but is it realistic? 

I went on yet another first day tonight.  My parents laugh when I tell them because they say I have no interest in dating anyone.  It could be true.  Who knows.  Yet, I continue to put myself through it.  I keep saying one of these times it will be the right one.  Is it just a joke?  Is the joke on me?  Yes, I'm happy.  Yes, I'm content by myself.  Yet I'm open to a relationship.  But then, when I find the possibility of one, I seem to have no interest.  I'd say it's me, but there was John.  Ah yes, the infamous John.  Thank goodness for him, really, though, because if it wasn't for him, I would SWEAR it was me.  But...... he was real.  I.....fell for him.  Some might say I loved him.  Who knows.  I don't even know what the fuck love is.  But whatever it was, I had it - felt it - for him.  So there.  I know I'm not broken.  Or fucked up.  I know I CAN feel and want and, dare I say it..... love. 

So I go on yet another 1st date tonight.  To sing karaoke.  At a place this guy frequents.  Great.  He knows everyone in the joint, including the owner.  Wooohooo.  Now if I was a timid, reserved woman, this might be a problem.  But I'm none of those things.  I'm me.  Eventually, he leaves and I'm left there, with the people HE knows because I'm having a good time so why should I go home?  He has to get back to his 14 and 15 year old, you know?  That's fine.  I tell him he can just tell me if he didn't have a good time or whatever the case is - it's all good.  I had a good time, blah, blah, blah.  Whatever.... I don't have time to try and figure him out.  Either tell me what's on your mind or keep it to yourself and deal with it on your own.  To be quite honest, there were plenty of things he did that turned me off but you know - whatever.

So I'm having a good time.  I sing a song for the birthday girl who is having a party there.  Now it's time for me to go.  I've had a few drinks and I know if I stay, I'll just get into trouble.  This 33 year old walks out with me (mind you, he looks 22 and is cute as a freaking button).... we are talking and talking..... he asks me if I'm going to another bar.  I say no.  I wonder if he's hitting on me and I'm just too stupid to realize it (because you know, he just got engaged and all).  Then, as I'm running to my car in the rain, I tell him "You're too freaking cute!"...... Why did I not stay?????

So I leave and I'm driving home contemplating all of it.  What was a 33 year old doing in the parking lot with me?  He made several comments that any normal person would construe as hitting on me, except for me..... I'm too dumb.  I'm on my way home when I'm thinking what a waste that was.  How the person I went there to meet turned out to be most likely a big fat zero but yet I had a 33 year old flirting with me from the second my "date" walked out the door and what did I do?  A big fat NOTHING.  And then it happens.  The meaning of life.  What is it?  Why am I here?  What's the purpose?  FOR WHAT?  Ugh.  Not a good time for all that to kick in.

It was looong ride home.  It was rainy and I was crying.  I parked my car in the parking lot and put the seat back and sat there for a little bit.  Quite frankly, I didn't really give a shit what happened at that point.  And that wasn't the first thought like that I had all night.  There were several times driving home that I thought it.  Not good.  Why?  The alcohol, surely.    I'm alone because I chose to be alone yet do I want to be alone?  Yes.  Then why do I keep going on these first dates?  And what the fuck is my problem?  Ah, if I only knew. 

My dog is curled up in a ball next to me on the bed.  That seems to be the only sure thing in my life right now.  Rather.... it's usually the sure thing in my life.  My boy.  My Harrison.  Dog is my co-pilot.  Lord give me many more years with the mutt.  I don't know how many more 1st dates I can weather without him by my side.

The Joys of Online Dating -The Mother-Load

I have hit the mother-load, people.  I received an email tonight, read it numerous times, and still couldn't figure out what in God's name this guy was attempting to say.  I can read text talk and I can read shit lacking proper punctuation, grammar, spelling and so on, but I simply cannot read stupid.

One definition on UrbanDictionary.com states Text Talk as the following:

noun (tehxt torck) or (txt tlk):
Uses: Mobile phones and MSN Messenger.
The most annoying form of speech ever, more annoying than French. Widely ununderstandable, it abbreviates as much as possible leaving a code which only the author can decrypt. Though it does help the author write it quickly, the recipient must undergo strenuous investigation to be able to reply in an equally confusing manner until the competition of confusosity gets to such a point, that their grammatically incorrect minds explode a little more.

We have been lucky enough to have text talk leak into every day writings - instant messages, emails, notes and letters - I've even seen it used on an employment resume.  Seriously people - WHAT THE FUCK??????

Sorry.... it's not my number one peeve, but it's up there.  Now back to my email guy.

I went to his profile.  This is what I saw:

As a cancer I didn't pick the crab but the turtle the reason is on the outside I mite be protective and private but when I peep my head out I enjoy all the things life can offer if ur a friend family member or someone I care about there's isn't anything I wouldn't do for u if I had 2 dollars to my name I would give u one however I don't trust people at first it has to be earned it takes quite a long time to no what makes people tick as a Brooklyn raised Irish itilan man I can read people pretty well and quite honest the less people in ur life the better off u are friends and family there with u to u tape the eternal dirt nap everyone else are strangers was married 12 years lost wife to breast cancer so I have learned life's about moments terribly despair makes u realize how special and precious life is so I don't waste my time on trivial matters drama or nonsense I've had the ups of ups and the downs of downs but that's life its not fair but its pretty good to and u only get one ride about myself love sports went to culinary school in Paris for 1 year love classical music theatre cooking avid reader Seinfeld maniac love erroll Flynn bogie old movies and spontaneous and outgoing people u can't plan life every minute u have to react on ur mood that's what keeps it fresh I have already had the love of my life so I don't have any expectactions but every now and then u mite meet someone who gives u a spark and a new music to ur soul so that's why I'm trying this never been on a website in my life I still believe to connect with someone is up close and personal facial expressions look in ur eyes just because u have same hobbies or interests u still have to have that instant spark I never say never there's always someone who comes along when u least expect it and truly that's how it works but that's the good thing about life sometimes it turns good the other way so on the light side I'm fun no bullsh*tbrutally honest and hey always willing to experience othe women's interests and thoughts I would hate to meet someone like me ha ha the joys of love they last a short time the pains of love last all urr life u gotta take chances sometimes so what the hell I'm trying this Humphrey Bart got it rite when he said the world is 3 drinks behind if everyone had 3 drinks it would be a losser less uptight world its not that complicated u either meet someone and there's violins or there are bongos. And PS to all u women who think all guts are bad I was with the same women for 16 years, so why did the single most important relationship other than ur family fail. It takes 2 for a good relationship or bad so if u live in a materlistic worldand are a shallow self absorbed human being that's what ull get out of life. But if u chose to look further in the depths of somebody that's were true happiness truly yes. Always rember its easy to love and be loved by someone when things are good. But how about god for bid the loss of a child a parent if u lucky to have someone there for u then u have had made the rite choice its a little deeper than u might think that's life.


That was special, wasn't it?  Are you cross-eyed or just mortified?  In either case.... I couldn't continue an email conversation with him even if I wanted to because I can't figure out if he's trying to insult me or compliment me!

Anyway, had to share that with someone.  Why not all of you? 

PS - Another 1st date tomorrow night.  Been texting/talking/emailing for two weeks now.  No expectations, though.  Not after 1st Date #1.  That unwound faster than a roll of yarn in the paws of a kitten. 

The Joys of Online Dating -Scene #5

Date #2

Date #2 was supposed to be the dogpark on Saturday but considering it was supposed to be below freezing, I flip flopped dinner with a good friend (which would enable me to spend more time with him) and planned dinner and a band with my online guy.  I was very excited (and still giddy) to be going out later that night and thought "is this what it's like to have someone to DO things with?".  Little did I know that would be short-lived.

I picked him up because his wrist was hurting from his physical therapy session and considering he drives a stick (like me), I felt for him.  We went for dinner at the same place the band was playing.  The good thing: I am very comfortable with him. When he takes my hand in the parking lot, I enjoy it.  A good thing. 

Dinner was good, conversation was good.  I saw my dear friend who I haven't seen in way too long.  One of the highlights of my night.  I missed her so.  Time for the band.  They were good - interesting and different.  Of course, I was ready to go home before they even went on.  I am just not a "go out" kind of person.  Such a deadbeat I am.  My date was perceptive enough to know something was off but he mistook it for me not having a good time with him.  We left after one set and I guess I was a little quiet on the ride home.  When I got to his house, he kissed me on the cheek and jumped out of the car.  Confusion.

I asked him about it via text and he said it was because he thought I didn't enjoy myself.  We "talked" about it and I assured him it wasn't anything at all having to do with him and I thought that was that.  In the week that followed things seemed strained and one-sided.  I finally told him that I was going to leave him alone and if he slowed down with work and wanted to go out and do something to give me a holler and I'd be happy to but that I felt it was one-sided.  No harm, no foul and no hard feelings.  I never heard from him again.

Whoopadeedoo.  NEXT.

The Joys of Online Dating - Scene #4

The 1st Date

We set the time for 6:30-6:45 but we didn't make it until then.  I'm not sure who was more excited and can only speak for myself when I say I was pretty freakin' giddy.  We met at 6:15pm.  He was waiting for me beside his car in the parking lot.  He looked just like his pictures.  A relief.  I got a big hug.  Very nice. 

An hour and a half later and we were still talking and laughing at our table in the corner and hadn't ordered dinner yet.  He was sweet and nice and funny and quirky.  He talked and he listened.  He asked me questions about myself and seemed genuinely interested in hearing the answers.  On occasion, he reached across the table and took my hands in his.  And I let him.  And just in case he wasn't making enough of a mark on me, every so often, he'd quote part of my profile.  So not only did he read it, he actually remembered what it said.

We ate a couple of burgers and it was time to get going but not before we decided to take the dogs to the dog park this weekend.  He walked me to my car and....

....a lady doesn't kiss and tell. 

As my first husband used to say "that's no lady, that's my wife"..... so I'll just say his lips were so very soft and he was a complete gentleman which I was extremely pleased to discover because you know how much I hate the end of a 1st date!

The Joys of Online Dating -Scene #3

I've got a date.  I know - scary.  What's even scarier is that I haven't canceled it yet.  Anyone who knows me knows I cancel all first dates by the time the day of the date rolls around.  Five hours and counting.  And there's not a chance in Hell I'm canceling this one. 

He emailed me on Monday (as in, two days ago).  He sent only two sentences which would normally not sit well with me.  He asked that I write back.  Then he wrote "pretty please" in caps.  How could I not?  His profile read well, his pictures looked good (hard to see but for one), he had things to say, I LIKED what he said, he was close by..... I'm sure there's something wrong with him, I thought.

I logged onto the dating site in hopes to find him there.  I wanted to chat with seemingly Mr. Perfect-For-Me.  He wasn't on.  I futzed around doing other things.  As I was about to log off, I saw him.  I IM'd him.  Connection.  We chatted for about 30 minutes.  He seemed as good as his profile.  Okay.  Caution.  He asked me to call him.  You know I hate the phone.  I called.  An hour and a half (or so - I lost track of time) we hung up.  I think I smiled most of the conversation.  He wanted to meet me.  I wanted the same.

The next day I talked to him during my entire lunch hour.  When could he see me?  When did he want to meet, I asked.  "A half hour ago" he said.  Big smile.  Damn - he keeps saying the right things.  The following night.  He picked the place.

Each time we talk, email, or text, we find more we think alike or have in common.  It's downright eerie.  Tonight will be interesting, to say the least.  All I know is I haven't been looking forward to a date this much in I don't know how long.  My guess would be John, dare I speak the name?  I'd say my golden rule of not getting my hopes up is still intact but I'd by lying through my teeth fingers.

Did I mention he has a black lab?

The Joys of Online Dating

Before I knew it, shortly after the new year rang in, I found myself reactivating my profile on PlentyOfFish.com.  Perhaps because I believe that you never know where, when, or how you will find love.  Perhaps because I'm a glutton for punishment.  I either case, I've decided to blog about the entertaining people who are contacting me on this site.  First, though, I think I should print my profile for you so you know exactly what these people are reading (if  they are reading at all).  My profile reads as follows:

Interests:

 

(these ares listed in 3 columns and is simply a list of likes/interests)

Singing, music, Dahlias, drums, photography, the smell of fresh cut grass, big dogs, the beach at dusk, boats, the river, ping-pong, presents, shooting pool, movies, dining out, my family, surprises, making Italian dishes, four-wheeling, champagne, small towns, cat's bellies, Halloween, hats, hot baths, Christmas lights, ghosts, stick shifts, big sweatshirts, pit bulls, green eyes, rainy day naps, pony tails, paw prints, trying things I've never done, live music, not beating around the bush, strawberries, German shepherds, dominance, saying what you feel, Jimmy Buffett, quoting stupid movies, long passionate kisses

About Me:

There are only two things I can think of that will immediately halt our communications almost immediately:

 

 

1. You do not like dogs.
2. You think there is something wrong with same sex relationships.

Other than that, I don't care what kind of politics you like, what you drive, where you work, what you did in your past, who you dated..... if we connect and there is chemistry - that's what is important.  If you get me and we click - that's what's important.  If you are nice to waitresses and hold doors for strangers - that's what's important. 

I'm not going to write a big, long story here, describing myself to the world wide Internet.  If you're interested in getting to know me, feel free to send me a message with whatever you'd like to know (sexual questions will not be answered, so save it).  If I wanted a FWB situation, I'd have joined the appropriate website.

What I will tell you is that I am happy with where I am at this point in my life.  I have no regrets... my past has helped me become who I am today and I like that person.  I believe that in this short life we're given, it's not about the hand we're dealt, but how we play it.  I have a job I love, a roof over my head, no debt and bills that are paid on time, a dog I adore and family that I enjoy spending time with.  I am an eternal optimist and a big goofball.  I love people and can (and often do) talk to strangers, yet at the same time, people bug the shit out of me probably because I have a low tolerance for stupidity and helplessness (I can explain that further if we ever meet - it's not as bad as it maybe sounds). LOL. I'm going to leave it there.  Thanks for stopping by.  Happy New Year!

First Date:

You decide.  Just tell me how to dress - jeans and a sweatshirt for the dog park or heels and a dress for dinner.  I like a decisive man so he should make that decision if he's going to ask me out.  I'm pretty easy in this area - I am comfortable staying in, going out, at the dog park, at the corner dive, at a five star restaurant - I can fit in anywhere.

(the pictures posted here are the photos on my profile)

That's it.

About 15 minutes ago I received an invitation to chat from HelloLadies21 located somewhere near Levittown, PA.  His opening line: "your sexy"

I asked him where he was located (I believe he listed a county in PA).... he said about 45 minutes from me.  Trying to locate his distance on Bingmaps so I could politely tell him he was too far from me (I just wasn't interested, period - not with someone who starts a conversation with someone they've never even spoken to with "your sexy"), I asked him if he was near Levittown.  He answered yes and I commented that I used to have family there.

He said "you coming to see me?" 
I answered "that would be a no."
He said "I'm trying." 

I asked if he was trying and he said yes.  I asked him if an opening line of "your sexy" usually worked for him.  He said it sometimes did.  I asked for who - women who want to get laid?  He laughed. 
As I'm about to tell him I'm not interested because he's located too far from me, he writes "your eyes say your a devil in bed. are you?" 

I asked if he read my profile or just looked at the pictures. 
He said "both." 
I answered "what part about this was confusing to you?: (sexual questions will not be answered, so save it). If I wanted a FWB situation, I'd have joined the appropriate website." 
He answered "I ignore it." 
At that point I said "There you go.  Bye."

Before I could sign out of the chat session, I was lucky enough to see his response. 
It read "Later WHORE."

Now this does not surprise me.  What I find amusing is that this person apparently likes whores, because before I said goodbye, he was all about wanting to meet me.  OR, did I suddenly become a whore because I was not interested in him?  AND... if that's the case, I find that amusing because I was being the exact opposite of an actual whore.  Now had he called me a bitch, that would be more appropriate (even though I was quite nice to him).  You get my point. 

This was not the first amusing contact I've had with the opposite sex.  This is just the most recent. 

Comments anyone?

PS - my dog lays sleeping at my feet.  My constant and loyal companion.  The only real unconditional love I have ever known from the male species.