Another 1st Date

I keep doing it.  I'm told I have to forge on.... I have to weed them out.  I, myself, say it's process of elimination.  Sure, it makes sense, but is it realistic? 

I went on yet another first day tonight.  My parents laugh when I tell them because they say I have no interest in dating anyone.  It could be true.  Who knows.  Yet, I continue to put myself through it.  I keep saying one of these times it will be the right one.  Is it just a joke?  Is the joke on me?  Yes, I'm happy.  Yes, I'm content by myself.  Yet I'm open to a relationship.  But then, when I find the possibility of one, I seem to have no interest.  I'd say it's me, but there was John.  Ah yes, the infamous John.  Thank goodness for him, really, though, because if it wasn't for him, I would SWEAR it was me.  But...... he was real.  I.....fell for him.  Some might say I loved him.  Who knows.  I don't even know what the fuck love is.  But whatever it was, I had it - felt it - for him.  So there.  I know I'm not broken.  Or fucked up.  I know I CAN feel and want and, dare I say it..... love. 

So I go on yet another 1st date tonight.  To sing karaoke.  At a place this guy frequents.  Great.  He knows everyone in the joint, including the owner.  Wooohooo.  Now if I was a timid, reserved woman, this might be a problem.  But I'm none of those things.  I'm me.  Eventually, he leaves and I'm left there, with the people HE knows because I'm having a good time so why should I go home?  He has to get back to his 14 and 15 year old, you know?  That's fine.  I tell him he can just tell me if he didn't have a good time or whatever the case is - it's all good.  I had a good time, blah, blah, blah.  Whatever.... I don't have time to try and figure him out.  Either tell me what's on your mind or keep it to yourself and deal with it on your own.  To be quite honest, there were plenty of things he did that turned me off but you know - whatever.

So I'm having a good time.  I sing a song for the birthday girl who is having a party there.  Now it's time for me to go.  I've had a few drinks and I know if I stay, I'll just get into trouble.  This 33 year old walks out with me (mind you, he looks 22 and is cute as a freaking button).... we are talking and talking..... he asks me if I'm going to another bar.  I say no.  I wonder if he's hitting on me and I'm just too stupid to realize it (because you know, he just got engaged and all).  Then, as I'm running to my car in the rain, I tell him "You're too freaking cute!"...... Why did I not stay?????

So I leave and I'm driving home contemplating all of it.  What was a 33 year old doing in the parking lot with me?  He made several comments that any normal person would construe as hitting on me, except for me..... I'm too dumb.  I'm on my way home when I'm thinking what a waste that was.  How the person I went there to meet turned out to be most likely a big fat zero but yet I had a 33 year old flirting with me from the second my "date" walked out the door and what did I do?  A big fat NOTHING.  And then it happens.  The meaning of life.  What is it?  Why am I here?  What's the purpose?  FOR WHAT?  Ugh.  Not a good time for all that to kick in.

It was looong ride home.  It was rainy and I was crying.  I parked my car in the parking lot and put the seat back and sat there for a little bit.  Quite frankly, I didn't really give a shit what happened at that point.  And that wasn't the first thought like that I had all night.  There were several times driving home that I thought it.  Not good.  Why?  The alcohol, surely.    I'm alone because I chose to be alone yet do I want to be alone?  Yes.  Then why do I keep going on these first dates?  And what the fuck is my problem?  Ah, if I only knew. 

My dog is curled up in a ball next to me on the bed.  That seems to be the only sure thing in my life right now.  Rather.... it's usually the sure thing in my life.  My boy.  My Harrison.  Dog is my co-pilot.  Lord give me many more years with the mutt.  I don't know how many more 1st dates I can weather without him by my side.

I'm Back

With nothing to say. HA! Hmmmm, let's see..... give me an idea, what should I blog about? I got nothin'.

How about my thoughts on parent drivers?  :)