The Joys of Online Dating -The Mother-Load

I have hit the mother-load, people.  I received an email tonight, read it numerous times, and still couldn't figure out what in God's name this guy was attempting to say.  I can read text talk and I can read shit lacking proper punctuation, grammar, spelling and so on, but I simply cannot read stupid.

One definition on UrbanDictionary.com states Text Talk as the following:

noun (tehxt torck) or (txt tlk):
Uses: Mobile phones and MSN Messenger.
The most annoying form of speech ever, more annoying than French. Widely ununderstandable, it abbreviates as much as possible leaving a code which only the author can decrypt. Though it does help the author write it quickly, the recipient must undergo strenuous investigation to be able to reply in an equally confusing manner until the competition of confusosity gets to such a point, that their grammatically incorrect minds explode a little more.

We have been lucky enough to have text talk leak into every day writings - instant messages, emails, notes and letters - I've even seen it used on an employment resume.  Seriously people - WHAT THE FUCK??????

Sorry.... it's not my number one peeve, but it's up there.  Now back to my email guy.

I went to his profile.  This is what I saw:

As a cancer I didn't pick the crab but the turtle the reason is on the outside I mite be protective and private but when I peep my head out I enjoy all the things life can offer if ur a friend family member or someone I care about there's isn't anything I wouldn't do for u if I had 2 dollars to my name I would give u one however I don't trust people at first it has to be earned it takes quite a long time to no what makes people tick as a Brooklyn raised Irish itilan man I can read people pretty well and quite honest the less people in ur life the better off u are friends and family there with u to u tape the eternal dirt nap everyone else are strangers was married 12 years lost wife to breast cancer so I have learned life's about moments terribly despair makes u realize how special and precious life is so I don't waste my time on trivial matters drama or nonsense I've had the ups of ups and the downs of downs but that's life its not fair but its pretty good to and u only get one ride about myself love sports went to culinary school in Paris for 1 year love classical music theatre cooking avid reader Seinfeld maniac love erroll Flynn bogie old movies and spontaneous and outgoing people u can't plan life every minute u have to react on ur mood that's what keeps it fresh I have already had the love of my life so I don't have any expectactions but every now and then u mite meet someone who gives u a spark and a new music to ur soul so that's why I'm trying this never been on a website in my life I still believe to connect with someone is up close and personal facial expressions look in ur eyes just because u have same hobbies or interests u still have to have that instant spark I never say never there's always someone who comes along when u least expect it and truly that's how it works but that's the good thing about life sometimes it turns good the other way so on the light side I'm fun no bullsh*tbrutally honest and hey always willing to experience othe women's interests and thoughts I would hate to meet someone like me ha ha the joys of love they last a short time the pains of love last all urr life u gotta take chances sometimes so what the hell I'm trying this Humphrey Bart got it rite when he said the world is 3 drinks behind if everyone had 3 drinks it would be a losser less uptight world its not that complicated u either meet someone and there's violins or there are bongos. And PS to all u women who think all guts are bad I was with the same women for 16 years, so why did the single most important relationship other than ur family fail. It takes 2 for a good relationship or bad so if u live in a materlistic worldand are a shallow self absorbed human being that's what ull get out of life. But if u chose to look further in the depths of somebody that's were true happiness truly yes. Always rember its easy to love and be loved by someone when things are good. But how about god for bid the loss of a child a parent if u lucky to have someone there for u then u have had made the rite choice its a little deeper than u might think that's life.


That was special, wasn't it?  Are you cross-eyed or just mortified?  In either case.... I couldn't continue an email conversation with him even if I wanted to because I can't figure out if he's trying to insult me or compliment me!

Anyway, had to share that with someone.  Why not all of you? 

PS - Another 1st date tomorrow night.  Been texting/talking/emailing for two weeks now.  No expectations, though.  Not after 1st Date #1.  That unwound faster than a roll of yarn in the paws of a kitten. 

The Joys of Online Dating -Scene #5

Date #2

Date #2 was supposed to be the dogpark on Saturday but considering it was supposed to be below freezing, I flip flopped dinner with a good friend (which would enable me to spend more time with him) and planned dinner and a band with my online guy.  I was very excited (and still giddy) to be going out later that night and thought "is this what it's like to have someone to DO things with?".  Little did I know that would be short-lived.

I picked him up because his wrist was hurting from his physical therapy session and considering he drives a stick (like me), I felt for him.  We went for dinner at the same place the band was playing.  The good thing: I am very comfortable with him. When he takes my hand in the parking lot, I enjoy it.  A good thing. 

Dinner was good, conversation was good.  I saw my dear friend who I haven't seen in way too long.  One of the highlights of my night.  I missed her so.  Time for the band.  They were good - interesting and different.  Of course, I was ready to go home before they even went on.  I am just not a "go out" kind of person.  Such a deadbeat I am.  My date was perceptive enough to know something was off but he mistook it for me not having a good time with him.  We left after one set and I guess I was a little quiet on the ride home.  When I got to his house, he kissed me on the cheek and jumped out of the car.  Confusion.

I asked him about it via text and he said it was because he thought I didn't enjoy myself.  We "talked" about it and I assured him it wasn't anything at all having to do with him and I thought that was that.  In the week that followed things seemed strained and one-sided.  I finally told him that I was going to leave him alone and if he slowed down with work and wanted to go out and do something to give me a holler and I'd be happy to but that I felt it was one-sided.  No harm, no foul and no hard feelings.  I never heard from him again.

Whoopadeedoo.  NEXT.

The Joys of Online Dating - Scene #4

The 1st Date

We set the time for 6:30-6:45 but we didn't make it until then.  I'm not sure who was more excited and can only speak for myself when I say I was pretty freakin' giddy.  We met at 6:15pm.  He was waiting for me beside his car in the parking lot.  He looked just like his pictures.  A relief.  I got a big hug.  Very nice. 

An hour and a half later and we were still talking and laughing at our table in the corner and hadn't ordered dinner yet.  He was sweet and nice and funny and quirky.  He talked and he listened.  He asked me questions about myself and seemed genuinely interested in hearing the answers.  On occasion, he reached across the table and took my hands in his.  And I let him.  And just in case he wasn't making enough of a mark on me, every so often, he'd quote part of my profile.  So not only did he read it, he actually remembered what it said.

We ate a couple of burgers and it was time to get going but not before we decided to take the dogs to the dog park this weekend.  He walked me to my car and....

....a lady doesn't kiss and tell. 

As my first husband used to say "that's no lady, that's my wife"..... so I'll just say his lips were so very soft and he was a complete gentleman which I was extremely pleased to discover because you know how much I hate the end of a 1st date!

The Joys of Online Dating -Scene #3

I've got a date.  I know - scary.  What's even scarier is that I haven't canceled it yet.  Anyone who knows me knows I cancel all first dates by the time the day of the date rolls around.  Five hours and counting.  And there's not a chance in Hell I'm canceling this one. 

He emailed me on Monday (as in, two days ago).  He sent only two sentences which would normally not sit well with me.  He asked that I write back.  Then he wrote "pretty please" in caps.  How could I not?  His profile read well, his pictures looked good (hard to see but for one), he had things to say, I LIKED what he said, he was close by..... I'm sure there's something wrong with him, I thought.

I logged onto the dating site in hopes to find him there.  I wanted to chat with seemingly Mr. Perfect-For-Me.  He wasn't on.  I futzed around doing other things.  As I was about to log off, I saw him.  I IM'd him.  Connection.  We chatted for about 30 minutes.  He seemed as good as his profile.  Okay.  Caution.  He asked me to call him.  You know I hate the phone.  I called.  An hour and a half (or so - I lost track of time) we hung up.  I think I smiled most of the conversation.  He wanted to meet me.  I wanted the same.

The next day I talked to him during my entire lunch hour.  When could he see me?  When did he want to meet, I asked.  "A half hour ago" he said.  Big smile.  Damn - he keeps saying the right things.  The following night.  He picked the place.

Each time we talk, email, or text, we find more we think alike or have in common.  It's downright eerie.  Tonight will be interesting, to say the least.  All I know is I haven't been looking forward to a date this much in I don't know how long.  My guess would be John, dare I speak the name?  I'd say my golden rule of not getting my hopes up is still intact but I'd by lying through my teeth fingers.

Did I mention he has a black lab?

The Joys of Online Dating -Scene #2

Sexyman0012 from Thailand is "looking long term relationship" and "if I don't mind can we know each other more?"  Yes, you read right - THAILAND (Oh, did you have a hard time making out what he wrote?  Welcome to my world.).  I live in the good ole' US of A.  This is not the first out-of-the-country request I've gotten to get to know me.  At first I thought out of state emails were.... questionable.  Pennsylvania, okay.  We're neighbors and Easton is only a 45 minute drive.  California?  Um, maybe not.

So now the Thailand email comes.  I reply asking him how he thinks a long term relationship will work from Thailand to the United States.  I tell him I don't think it will work out well so I'm sorry, but we can't "know each other more."

His reply:

"dear just easy t think if you are looking honest man am here relationship work with heart not with countrys honey if you change yours mind email me thanks"

Now I'm all for letting my heart take the lead sometimes and all that other mushy shit but relationships work with the heart, not with countries?  I'm going to have to disagree with that one.  I'd at least like to see my man, say, once a week?!?!  The once a year thing might be a bit hard for me to work around. 

Do you think if someone asked him what his requirements were for a girlfriend, his answer would be "a passport"?

The Joys of Online Dating

Before I knew it, shortly after the new year rang in, I found myself reactivating my profile on PlentyOfFish.com.  Perhaps because I believe that you never know where, when, or how you will find love.  Perhaps because I'm a glutton for punishment.  I either case, I've decided to blog about the entertaining people who are contacting me on this site.  First, though, I think I should print my profile for you so you know exactly what these people are reading (if  they are reading at all).  My profile reads as follows:

Interests:

 

(these ares listed in 3 columns and is simply a list of likes/interests)

Singing, music, Dahlias, drums, photography, the smell of fresh cut grass, big dogs, the beach at dusk, boats, the river, ping-pong, presents, shooting pool, movies, dining out, my family, surprises, making Italian dishes, four-wheeling, champagne, small towns, cat's bellies, Halloween, hats, hot baths, Christmas lights, ghosts, stick shifts, big sweatshirts, pit bulls, green eyes, rainy day naps, pony tails, paw prints, trying things I've never done, live music, not beating around the bush, strawberries, German shepherds, dominance, saying what you feel, Jimmy Buffett, quoting stupid movies, long passionate kisses

About Me:

There are only two things I can think of that will immediately halt our communications almost immediately:

 

 

1. You do not like dogs.
2. You think there is something wrong with same sex relationships.

Other than that, I don't care what kind of politics you like, what you drive, where you work, what you did in your past, who you dated..... if we connect and there is chemistry - that's what is important.  If you get me and we click - that's what's important.  If you are nice to waitresses and hold doors for strangers - that's what's important. 

I'm not going to write a big, long story here, describing myself to the world wide Internet.  If you're interested in getting to know me, feel free to send me a message with whatever you'd like to know (sexual questions will not be answered, so save it).  If I wanted a FWB situation, I'd have joined the appropriate website.

What I will tell you is that I am happy with where I am at this point in my life.  I have no regrets... my past has helped me become who I am today and I like that person.  I believe that in this short life we're given, it's not about the hand we're dealt, but how we play it.  I have a job I love, a roof over my head, no debt and bills that are paid on time, a dog I adore and family that I enjoy spending time with.  I am an eternal optimist and a big goofball.  I love people and can (and often do) talk to strangers, yet at the same time, people bug the shit out of me probably because I have a low tolerance for stupidity and helplessness (I can explain that further if we ever meet - it's not as bad as it maybe sounds). LOL. I'm going to leave it there.  Thanks for stopping by.  Happy New Year!

First Date:

You decide.  Just tell me how to dress - jeans and a sweatshirt for the dog park or heels and a dress for dinner.  I like a decisive man so he should make that decision if he's going to ask me out.  I'm pretty easy in this area - I am comfortable staying in, going out, at the dog park, at the corner dive, at a five star restaurant - I can fit in anywhere.

(the pictures posted here are the photos on my profile)

That's it.

About 15 minutes ago I received an invitation to chat from HelloLadies21 located somewhere near Levittown, PA.  His opening line: "your sexy"

I asked him where he was located (I believe he listed a county in PA).... he said about 45 minutes from me.  Trying to locate his distance on Bingmaps so I could politely tell him he was too far from me (I just wasn't interested, period - not with someone who starts a conversation with someone they've never even spoken to with "your sexy"), I asked him if he was near Levittown.  He answered yes and I commented that I used to have family there.

He said "you coming to see me?" 
I answered "that would be a no."
He said "I'm trying." 

I asked if he was trying and he said yes.  I asked him if an opening line of "your sexy" usually worked for him.  He said it sometimes did.  I asked for who - women who want to get laid?  He laughed. 
As I'm about to tell him I'm not interested because he's located too far from me, he writes "your eyes say your a devil in bed. are you?" 

I asked if he read my profile or just looked at the pictures. 
He said "both." 
I answered "what part about this was confusing to you?: (sexual questions will not be answered, so save it). If I wanted a FWB situation, I'd have joined the appropriate website." 
He answered "I ignore it." 
At that point I said "There you go.  Bye."

Before I could sign out of the chat session, I was lucky enough to see his response. 
It read "Later WHORE."

Now this does not surprise me.  What I find amusing is that this person apparently likes whores, because before I said goodbye, he was all about wanting to meet me.  OR, did I suddenly become a whore because I was not interested in him?  AND... if that's the case, I find that amusing because I was being the exact opposite of an actual whore.  Now had he called me a bitch, that would be more appropriate (even though I was quite nice to him).  You get my point. 

This was not the first amusing contact I've had with the opposite sex.  This is just the most recent. 

Comments anyone?

PS - my dog lays sleeping at my feet.  My constant and loyal companion.  The only real unconditional love I have ever known from the male species.

Another New Year

Another year has come and gone.  I will say it was a better year than the previous one.  2011 found me out of my parents house and in my own apartment, out of Hell (the worst job I think I ever had) and at a company I love, broken up with someone I could've fallen in love with - wait - that's not good.  Well.... two out of three ain't bad.  The job was probably the most important of the three.  My livlihood?  Yeah, I'd say so.  Kind of ironic that working for a health and wellness center made me sick to my stomach, not to mention having more ailments than ever!  Why is that?  Oh, because the people running the place were (are) assholes?  Yes, that's right.  Seven months after I'm gone and there are about 5 people left there that were employed when I was there.  Pretty pathetic.  Karma certainly has it's work cut out with those two morons, that's for sure.  I think the best very well could've been when the supposed owner (I say supposed, because she is a pathological liar so you never really knew what was true or not) emailed me the entire company's paystubs by mistake.  This, from someone who didn't make mistakes.  Don't get me started. 

So, it's time, once again, for our resolutions.  Good intentions.  Shit that won't last.  One of mine is to be nicer to a good friend of mine.  One of my coworker said I should be nicer to my coworkers.  Hmmm.... NAH!  My coworkers should stop being lazy and do some work and then I'll be nicer.  I didn't bother resolving to stop saying fuck.  That doesn't usually last more than about 12 hours into the New Year.  What else?  To start an IRA.  That I intend to do.  Anything else?  I don't think so.  I don't want to overdo it.  Oh..... 2012 found me posting a profile on PlentyOfFish.com.  Because OKCupid wasn't enough torture, I suppose.  Free dating sites.  Let's all the crazies sign up.

Oh.... three days before 2011 ended, my dear friend, Rob, set me off good enough for me to have no interest in speaking with him for an indefinite amount of time.  That does not happen often.  It's January 6 and I still haven't spoken to him (or emailed, texted, IM'd or any other form of communication).  I'm sure the reply email I sent him in response to the one that pissed me off so much pissed him off pretty good, as well, leaving him no interest in speaking to me.  Two wrongs don't make a right, but I was just letting him know how I felt.  Pretty fucking mad and insulted.  I think he knows now.

That's all for now.  Until next time, my few and faithful readers.....