I Died Today

My name is Harrison.  Today is Wednesday, June 10, 2015.  I died today.

But let me tell you my story.  I'll try to make it brief.  I was born in North Carolina and at 8 weeks old was adopted by a very nice woman and her husband.  She became my mama for life. 

I had two older brothers and a younger sister -Grizz, Indiana, and Bella.

Indiana Jackson

Bella Georgia Rose

Grizz

Life was good and I was happy.  Except when my dad yelled.  Either at me or at mom.  That scared me very much.  But mom knew I didn't know what I was doing wrong when he yelled and she protected me.  Once, when she opened the front door I was so excited to see what was out there, I ran outside and up the street.  It was so neat - I had never been in the front of the house before!  I barely heard mom running behind me yelling my name.  After that mom started some serious training with me.  I never ran out the front door after that and she could even hold it wide open but I just sat there and waited for her to tell me what to do because I loved to make my mama happy.  And once she explained to me what she expected of me, it was really easy to learn.  After all, I was a very smart boy and I had no problem learning what to do.  My sister, on the other hand.... that's another story.  I even did this special test where I had to do all these fun things and listen to my mom really, really carefully and do exactly what she said and there were these funny looking chairs with wheels on them and sticks that people were walking with and all kinds of people and other dogs.  But I did exactly what I was supposed to do and afterwards, they gave me a piece of paper that said I was a Certified Canine Good Citizen.  I don't know what that means, but I know my mom was really happy and proud of me because she kept telling me what a good boy I was and how much she loved me.  None of my brothers or my sister were Canine Good Citizens.  

I was the special one.

I love to sleep, just like my mama!

Mom and I moved a few times.  Without Dad.  I didn't mind - he yelled too much.  We moved without Indiana and Grizz and it was just me and Bella.  I didn't really miss them because we all went to see them every day.  For a while mom was really sad.  She'd cry a lot.  I didn't like when she cried.  I'd leave the room when she did.  It just made me too sad to see her like that.  

My Yaya

My Papi

It wasn't long after that that mama and I packed up the car and we took a really long ride without my sister.  Mom says she went to live with Daddy and Indiana.  We went to see grandma and grandpa or as I call them, Yaya and Papi.  We never left.  We stayed with Yaya and Papi for a while and I discovered stairs.  But better than that, I discovered snow.  Snow was really cool and I loved running around in it.  I'd hop around in it like a rabbit.  My mom would just laugh and laugh.  We had such good times together.  Life was such an adventure!  And she always took me with her.  I didn't really miss my brothers and sister because I had mama all to myself and I got all her love and didn't have to share it with them.  Plus, Yaya and Papi loved me now, too, and I loved them.

One of my 1st Snowfalls in NJ

We moved a few more times after that but I always loved my home because I was there with mom.  She showered me with love and treats and bones and good food.  I had more toys than I could even play with!  My favorite was my squeaky ball.  I loved to chase my squeaky ball.  We used to have great games of fetch and I even knew how to bring the ball back to my mom

so she could throw it again for me.

You can watch me play fetch with Papi in this video:

Sometimes I'd stay with mama's good friend, Frank.  He had a little dog and we became friends, too.  But he was much older than me so we didn't play or anything.  I still liked him though- he was mellow, like me.  I loved Uncle Frank.  He spoiled me.  He always let me lay on him and he'd pet me as long as I'd lay there.  I really liked sitting on his feet.

My buddy, Uncle Frank

See Uncle Frank? I'm laying on him.

I turned 10 on November 29, 2014 - that's 70 in my own years.  

I was loving life and all my adventures.  I'd been on boats, to the beach, swimming in pools, to street fairs, to North Carolina and New Jersey and everywhere in between.... no matter what my mama did, I was her co-pilot in life.  She took me wherever she could.

Mom always took me with her. 

Shortly after the new year something changed.  I felt different.  There was something that didn't belong.  Something was growing inside me.  I wanted to be closer to my mama after that.  Physically.  When she sat on the couch, I got as close to her as I could - sometimes on top of her if she'd let me 

(and she usually did).  

It just made me feel better to have her stroking my fur and holding me.  She let me sleep in bed with her every night at this point.  Instead of always sleeping at the foot of the bed like I usually did, I would get right up by her head.  She'd wrap her arm around me and I'd fall asleep on her chest. 

We did that a lot.  

I think she really liked it.  

She always told me I was the best dog ever.  

I think my mama knew something was wrong, too.  We went to the doctor but the doctor just said I might be starting the beginning stages of senility.  I don't think mom bought it.  Around the same time, a lump started growing on the side of my chest.  I had a bunch of lumps.  But this one was different.  It grew fast.  We went to the doctor again and mom found out my liver was a little off.  I took meds for a month but it didn't help.  I knew it wouldn't.  The lump grew bigger.  They looked at my insides and saw an even bigger lump - the doctor called it a tumor.  They told my mom in March that I had cancer.  A huge tumor in my liver and more little ones in my spleen.  The doctor said he didn't think I'd make it to 2016.  Mom was upset.  And that's when the chicken started.  I got LOTS of chicken!  Mom didn't cry much after that - every now and again.  But for the most part, we just enjoyed every day together.  She hand fed me my dinner a lot of nights.  That was fun - it was kind of like a game.  I still ran around a lot because my energy level was pretty high.

Then I had two seizures in a week.  I didn't really feel anything but it was pretty upsetting for Yaya, Papi and mama.  We went to the doctor each time.  You know, I don't know what all the other dogs fuss about with the doctor because I loved going there!  All the girls were always so nice to me and pet me and loved me and told me what a good and handsome boy I was.  Anyway, I digress.... it started to hurt a little to jump off of mama's bed but she'd help me when I'd let her.  Other than that, I wasn't too uncomfortable.  I didn't let mom know, anyway.  Until I couldn't stand that lump anymore.  I bit it one night and it started to bleed.  It never really stopped.  

Mom and Yaya and I went to the doctor again.  He told her I wouldn't get any better - only worse from that point on.  Mom had always asked me to let her know when it was time to let me go.  I did my best to let her know that day.  But I was so happy, it was hard.  I think she heard me, though.  Because I played with my cousin Toby that morning and ran around like a fool.  

Then mom gave me the biggest bone ever.  When Toby stole it, they yelled at him and gave it back to me and put him in the kitchen so I could chew on my bone in peace.  After that, Yaya and mom and I went to visit another lady I loved.  The chicken lady.  I got spaghetti and meatballs!!!  A lot of it!!!  After that we met Uncle Frank for ice cream and I got my very own cone!  I couldn't even finish it, I was so full!!

We went back to Yaya and Papi's house and mom and I took a nap on the floor.  Those were some of my favorite times - napping with my mama.  
And then we went back to the doctor.  

I know how hard it was for my mom to let me go.  I'm glad she did, though..... she didn't want me to suffer - not even for a day.  I was happy - I had such a wonderful life with her.  All the adventures we took together!  I was loved by many.  I didn't mind that it was my time to go.  I would miss her and I know she'd miss me..... but it was time.  Yaya and mom stroked my fur and told me how much they loved me and what a good dog I was.  But I got so tired, so quickly and I had to go to sleep.  

Yaya says I'm still just sleeping.  Mom knows I'm sleeping in her heart and I will always be there with her.  I'll never leave her.  And I know she'll never forget me.  I was her first good boy.  The best dog ever.  Her co-pilot.  And I will wait for her however long it takes to see her again....over the Rainbow Bridge.

HARRISON BUFFETT

Rest in Peace, My Sweet Boy

11-29-04 - 06-10-15
Dog Is My Co-Pilot

Video of me Swimming in the Pool:

I love you so very much, Harrison Buffett.
You saved my life more than once.  I didn't rescue you, you rescued me.  
My life will never be the same and through all this pain of missing you, I wouldn't trade the last 10.5 years with you for anything in this world.
You were my first...and there will never be another like you.
Bubbaloo, Bubbers, Baba Booey, Hairball, Har, Buggaboo, 
Harry Harrison, Bubs, Pumpkin, Lumpey.
I called you a lot of things but the one consistent thing I called you 
was my best friend.
You are the only being who got that honor for 10.5 years straight.  
But really, it was MY honor.  I will miss you more than words can say.  
My world will not be the same without you here.  
I feel like part of my body is missing.  
But you let me know it was time and I could not let you suffer even one day 
and all I can do is take solace in knowing I did right by you.

It was one hell of a ride, wasn't it, my handsome boy?

I will see you again someday.  Count on it.  
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Mama 

Happy 10th Birthday, Dog

Dog Is My Co-Pilot.... and he turns 10 today.  I don't know where the time goes and I can't believe he's been with me for 10 years but I'm grateful for every day he's been in my life.  I can only hope for many more, as I can't imagine life without the unconditional love of this walking ball of fur.

He knows all my secrets, has seen me at my worst, loved me at my best, played the fool when I needed to laugh, kept me warm on nights too cold, and been my reason for living when I felt I couldn't go on. 

I only hope I can be all for him that he's been for me and continue to give him the best life for each precious day I have left with him.  I cherish them all.

My heart is full because of you, 

Harrison Buffett.  You rescued me more than I could've ever rescued you.  xoxoxoxox

 “He is my other eyes that can see above the clouds; my other ears that hear above the winds. He is the part of me that can reach out into the sea. He has told me a thousand times over that I am his reason for being; by the way he rests against my leg; by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile; by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me.) When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive. When I am angry, he clowns to make me smile. When I am happy, he is job abounded. When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another man. With him, I am all-powerful. He is loyalty itself. He has taught me the meaning of devotion. With him, I know a secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant. His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things. He has promised to wait for me… whenever… wherever – in case I need him. And I expect I will – as I always have. He is just my dog.”   ~Gene Hill

How Long Do You Stay?

I know so many women who think they'd leave the second a man touched them....until it happens to them.  You never really know until you're in that position.  

When he kicks you so hard and you can't straighten your leg without throbbing pain in your knee, you stay.  And when he locks you in a hotel room and you block out what happens that night because he apologizes and tells you no one will ever love you like he does, you stay.  And when he hits you with a closed fist and knocks you out cold in front of your eight year old brother, you still stay.  You stay through a year and a half of mental and emotional and physical abuse because he's brainwashed you into thinking this is somehow what love is and that you deserve this... that no one will ever love you like he does and you are not strong enough to be without him.  So you continue to stay.  Until the night he shoves you and throws a bottle at you and you run and hide in a ditch on the side of the highway because something finally snaps in you and you walk however many miles home but you don't care because you are finally free.  You left.  And you think of all the women who say they'd walk right out the door if any many ever touched them.  You hope they would.  But you know they have no idea what they'd actually do if the man they loved and thought loved them beat them.  You couldn't leave.  But you eventually did.  And you're that much stronger for it.  

Yeah, We're All Slightly Used

I have absolutely nothing to say (I know, right?!?!)... 

So here is a video of my previous band just to have something on my blog on them.  

It was a great seven months with them and I learned so many things.... 

The experience, while it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, 

changed me for the better and for that, I am forever grateful.

The Fat Lady She's A-Singin'

Good Sunday Morning!

After a rough night I awoke to the fat lady singing in the distance and this did not please me...until I had a moment of clarity and realized I'm worth more than how I'm being treated.  Perhaps I'm confusing patience and understanding with something else.  I'm not sure what.  Being taken advantage of and treated poorly?  Who knows.  What I do know is I'm just trying to do what I feel in my heart is the right thing.  Give someone the benefit of the doubt - someone I know has been treated badly for a long time.  Someone I think maybe deserves a break.  Someone I think is a good man and deserves a good woman to show him what a real relationship can be - what it could be like to be appreciated and cared for.  Bah.... why go on about it.  After a moment of clarity I realized I'm worth more then how I'm being treated and I'm not going to sulk around being upset that the someone I've been getting to know and starting to care for who's been calling me his "girlfriend" has "checked out", wanting to be alone since last Tuesday or Wednesday and won't return any communications to me.  I've tried to give him the time he needs but you know what?  I think it's done.  That fat lady is singing and I'm going to let her borrow my microphone while I sit back and enjoy the song.

I definitely... deserve more.

The Great Lemon Incident of 2013

This is my first post of 2014.  And it's May.  24 posts in 2012 and 3 in 2013.  My mid-year resolution is that I'd like to start writing more frequently.  Of course there's always the question "what to write about?"... I know I don't have many followers and that's okay - I write for myself.  Hell, even if one person tells me "I really enjoyed your blog" then it's even more worth it.

I guess I'll pick up where I left off back in December... I'd made a very important discovery.  I discovered that I wasn't, in fact, broken like I thought I'd been for a long time.  I'd been alone, by choice, for years.  I'd had one serious relationship with a man who didn't feel the same about me as I did for him in the end.  I'd been living my life, spending time with my family, my friends, my dog, looking for the right band.... dating on and off and every time wondering "why do this?".  The dating part, that is.  If you've read my blog, you know the guys rarely got past Date Number One.  If they did, they sure as hell didn't get past Date Number Two.   There were always a plethora of things that bugged the hell out of me and immediately put them into the "not gonna happen" pile.  Or maybe there was just never a connection of any kind.  If they made it to Date Number Two I'd start asking myself all the same questions - what's the point of dating?  To eventually become "boyfriend and girlfriend"?  And what's the point of THAT?  Why do this?  And that was the end of that guy.  Into the pile he went.

And then I met him.  That guy.  That guy that when I saw him for the first time did absolutely nothing for me.  I didn't even think he was handsome, really.  I mean.... he wasn't ugly.... but I sure as hell wasn't weak in the knees.  He was just a guy.  And he was nice enough.  Funny.  Kind of crazy, like me.  And after the third time we saw each other through mutual friends, I asked him to go out but even then, it was just on a platonic "date".  He was recently separated and I thought a night out might be good for him - time away from his troubles and thinking and all that crap because, hey, I had been there and I knew what he was going through. Plus, I could use some company at the event I had to attend.  I simply thought we would have a fun night together - and that was IT.

And then the online conversations started.  I think it took one.  Maybe two.  They were long conversations, mind you.  Over an hour each.  He started revealing himself to me.  What was inside.  And what was inside was so much more than I could see on the outside.  And so different, to boot.  By the second conversation he hooked me.  I was interested.  Dammit.  But I couldn't help it.

And then the emails started.  The playing and the flirting.  At first I was the usual naive idiot and couldn't tell if it was the norm for him or if he actually was flirting.  Until it was so glaringly obvious.  And I flirted back.  It was fun.  I was giddy.  I hadn't felt that way in a long time.  We even talked about the fact that we were flirting and that we probably shouldn't because of our mutual friends.  But it was so much fun and what was it hurting? Right?  Pft.

And then platonic date night came around.  I told myself if he showed any interest in me - any at all - that I was going to kiss him.  I also said, aloud, so I would actually hear the words "this a probably a bad idea and it probably won't end well and someone will probably get hurt and it will most likely be me" but in the back of my  mind I thought - it doesn't HAVE to end badly and it doesn't HAVE to be me who gets hurt.... I mean, I've been known to break a few hearts here and there.  Plus, underneath the cynical, sarcastic, pessimistic exterior lies the optimistic, romantic-at-heart, always-hoping-for-her-happy-ending Shannon.  And there was just no denying the connection we had with each other.  It was like talking to someone I'd known my entire life.  That comfort level and easiness... it happened right from the beginning with him....and it was impossible to ignore.  So on we went.... and he looked good.  Damn good.  And he held his own and did everything right.  And we eventually found ourselves alone at the bar....and after a night of flirting and smiling and brushing hands and arms....I stuck a lemon in his mouth, did my lemon drop shot and sucked that baby out.  And if fireworks didn't go off somewhere at that very moment, then I don't know what happened because they sure went off in that bar when we kissed.  Talk about a connection. 

Fast forward a couple months.  I don't even know what to say.... we'd talked so much, about so much.... I felt like he completely let me in and I knew so much about him in such a short time and vice versa.  Boy did he have no problem at all breaking down that wall that I keep myself safely behind.  None.  And I happily let him through it.  I exposed myself -warm underbelly and all.  Yup.... I could see it happening with him.  I could've fallen in love with him if we kept going.  Did I mention the kissing?  Holy crap.  That boy could kiss.  I can kiss.  Put us together and again - fucking fireworks.  I guess the thing about him was that everything was so different.... and that's what people just don't get.  I don't fall for guys... I don't do a lot of the things I did with him.... I never liked things I liked with him.... shit - I was HAPPY by myself.  Without a man.  Without sex.  Without companionship and talking.  Without love.  We couldn't keep our hands off each other when we were alone.  Shit - I even let him cuddle with me at night when we went to sleep.  I'd hold him.... his head on my chest.... my arms wrapped around him, and I'd rub his head as he'd drift off to sleep.  I know it's usually the opposite way around - the guy holds the girl.... but I loved it.  I knew he was comfortable and relaxed - it was something I could give him.  A little peace in his crazy life.  And let me tell you - how in the HELL I'd fall asleep with that snoring is BEYOND me.  But it didn't bother me.  Nothing bothered me about him.  And THAT was the rarity.

Until I realized it wasn't over with his wife.

That bothered me.  And the day she hacked into his email was the day I realized I couldn't do it anymore and I had to end it.  At least I had enough wits about me to do that.  That was the day I started asking the hard questions.  And that's the day shit got real.  It wasn't over.  Maybe he thought it was - right at first - or maybe I want to believe that's what he thought.  And that's okay.  I'll believe that.  Because there are days I believe none of it was real on his end and that doesn't really do anything for me, does it?  Nope.  Some days I think it was all just an ego boost for him and wonder how many others there were besides me.  Some days I believe it was more real than anything I've ever experienced and other days I just think it was some crazy-ass connection we had that happens so rarely and because of that I confused it with real feelings.  I don't know.  It's like a bad roller-coaster than doesn't end and you can't get off.  More often than not I think it was just a blip on the map - barely even showing up on his radar - just someone he met when he left his wife who could make him feel alive and special and good.  Yeah... sometimes I feel like the complete jackass but since speculation gets you nowhere.... the one thing I AM sure of is that we did have a connection - an  undeniable connection.  Should he have brought me into his fucked up world when things weren't over with his marriage?  It just doesn't matter.  It happened.  It's done.  I've met someone else recently.  And you know what?  What "that guy" did for me was show me exactly why people do this.  He helped answer those questions I always asked myself after the first date or two.  He showed me something very, very important - something for which I am extremely grateful.... he showed me that I am not broken.  Not at all.  I am capable of loving again.  I'm not just a hard, tough, in-your-face, kind of girl.  Sure - I'm that, too.... but that's because that's the kind of girl I've needed to be all these years.... but there's so much more underneath that rough exterior.  And if this person I've recently met wants to dig a little and find that out, I just might let him.  I happen to think he's pretty damn special so far.  And if it wasn't for "that guy" I met and let break down my walls... I might never have known that.  So yeah... shit happens for a reason.  I stand behind that old, annoying saying because it's so very true.  

No regrets.  Ever.  Or I wouldn't be who or where I am today.  And I like me. And I like where I am.  And hey - I'm not broken.

Another Year Almost Over

It's December 22 and the year is almost over.  Where does the time go?  If you're not careful, it's gone before you know it and you wake up one morning to realize you spent the last 10 years of your life in some kind of perpetual sleep-walk just moving in and out of each day simply trying to make it to the next.  And for what?  Ah, that's the burning question, isn't it?  To be happy?  To provide for your children?  Your spouse?  Yourself?  So many people forget somewhere along the way what it is that even makes them happy.

Life is hard.  If it were easy, everyone would enjoy it.  I've been married twice.  Both were not the fairy-tale endings I've read about in books and watched in endless movies.  You could say they were movies, alright, but not the kind I had hoped I'd star in.  More like a mix of horror, suspense, and drama with a little bit of comedy sprinkled in.  I joke that the 2nd husband left me because it was karma's way of biting me in the ass for leaving the 1st husband.  It could very well have been but if that's the case I'm way ahead now because she took a chunk out of my ass that was so big, it surely didn't equal the crime at hand.  In any case...I wouldn't change a thing.  Not one.  Not any one bad thing that happened to me along the way.  Each rotten thing made me a little bit stronger and a little more resilient.  A little more sure of who I am and what I want.  And this is a good thing......that I sometimes need to remind myself of.  I am proud that I don't feel I need someone to "complete" me.  I'm already complete.  I'm happy.  I do for myself, I support myself, I take care of myself.  

I wonder, though, about that fairy-tale ending. I scoff at it, really - at love and romance and anything even resembling such.  I let people believe I'm sarcastic and cynical and tough and hard.  Hell, even I thought I was broken for so long I didn't even think about it anymore - I just believe it to be so.  I figured I was so broken, I'd be alone forever.  And I may be alone forever.  And that's okay.  

My mom asked me a question when I was trying to make the most difficult decision of my life - to leave my first marriage.  She asked me what if I never again found anyone.  When I answered her that I'd rather be happy by myself, than live a lie and be miserable with my then-husband, I knew I had made the decision to go.  I've never regretted that decision to this day and it still stands true.  I would much rather be alone and happy, than be with the wrong person.  But I do wonder about that happy ending.  And I have discovered that I am not broken.  And that, is at least good enough for me right now.