Please stop feeling the absolute need to lay directly beneath wherever I am sitting in fear that you might miss something because on the very rare occasion that I get up and don't look for you (like earlier today), I will step on you and you will become startled and jump to your feet which will cause my legs to get entangled in all four of your legs and your body, which will ultimately cause me to lose my balance completely and fall to the floor, hitting it's surface very hard because I am not a skinny little bitch anymore. Whichever part of my overweight body hits the floor first will undoubtedly bruise and most likely hurt for the following week. Being completely out of shape and another year older tomorrow, it is no doubt that I will also tweak something in my back and in about 3 hours, that will start to ache as well.
In closing, my dear dog, I love you more than anything in this world, but you really gotta cut that shit out!
-Your human
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