Home Is Where The Heart Is

I guess I’m feeling a little melancholy today and didn’t even realize it until now (at half past noon) because a song just came on the radio and it literally made me stop what I was doing and sit there until I started to cry as the lyrics rolled on.


"Promise me you'll always be happy by my side and I promise I'll sing to you when all the music dies."  I'm pretty sure that did it.

I’m not sure when it happened but somewhere along the way I lost the hope and faith and eternal optimism I’ve always seemed to not try hard to have (sorry Matty) that I’ll find him (or her). That everything happens for a reason and when the time is right -usually when you’re not looking- you’ll find them. That there is someone for everyone. That someone will love me for exactly who I am. Oh, you know….. all those clichés that I actually believe(d).

My girlfriend says I need to really believe it. That I need to “put it out there” and I’ll “get it back” or something like that (I really was listening, Alisa – you know I just have a hard time retaining). She says it’s all about energy and I can’t have negative energy or it’ll never happen. Well guess what? I’ve got the negative energy... and lots of it! It’s all around me. I can’t rid myself of it because, well, I don’t believe the bullshit anymore, I suppose. Or maybe I’m just going through some kind of shitty phase. I’m think I’m gonna go with that because it’s easier to accept.

But I’m not going to sit here and whine about how I can’t find that special one for me. It’s just so, whiny, you know? Just know that if I were a negative barometer, I’d be at a minus 10 right about now!!


The song to pop on the radio immediately following the sappy love song that got me all stupid over not finding “it” was “Carolina In My Mind” by James Taylor.

“In my mind I’m goin’ to Carolina. Can’t ya’ feel the sun shine? Can’t ya’ just feel the moon shining? Ain’t it just like a friend of mine to hit me from behind. Yes, I’m goin’ to Carolina in my mind.” 

NOW where does my mind go? Hmmmm…… I’ll give you a moment. DING DING DING – CORRECT! Carolina! North Carolina to be exact. Wilmington. The little three bedroom house on the corner of Verona and Cassondar with the four big palm trees I had planted out front.

 

Where the two rocking chairs and handmade bench once sat on the porch...

Where my neighbors still live across the street with their little baby and crazy cat (Harrison misses you, Fuzz)...

Where my dogs, Harrison and Bella once played in their big, fenced-in backyard with Bella’s best friend, Sydney, the Australian Shepherd who lived three doors down...

Where the cool built-in corner bench sat on the back patio just beside the flower bed where my favorite crepe myrtle grew with dark pink blooms. There I would sit and drink my morning coffee and watch the sun rise over the roof tops in the distance while my dogs explored their yard the first time of any particular day...

My first house - the only house I ever bought or will ever buy on my very own - was foreclosed on the month before last.  It's long gone now and belongs to faceless, nameless people who are sleeping in my bedroom; enjoying my vaulted ceilings, open floor plan, and etched glass front door installed by Glass Doctor of Coastal Carolina (a plug for my friend, Dan).  They're wondering what variety of plant is growing like wildfire in the front left bed and why the guy across the street never says hello.

Maybe I should just stifle it and take my happy pills.  But then, everyone is entitled to the feeling of loss now and again.

Even me.