Home Is Where The Heart Is

I guess I’m feeling a little melancholy today and didn’t even realize it until now (at half past noon) because a song just came on the radio and it literally made me stop what I was doing and sit there until I started to cry as the lyrics rolled on.


"Promise me you'll always be happy by my side and I promise I'll sing to you when all the music dies."  I'm pretty sure that did it.

I’m not sure when it happened but somewhere along the way I lost the hope and faith and eternal optimism I’ve always seemed to not try hard to have (sorry Matty) that I’ll find him (or her). That everything happens for a reason and when the time is right -usually when you’re not looking- you’ll find them. That there is someone for everyone. That someone will love me for exactly who I am. Oh, you know….. all those clichés that I actually believe(d).

My girlfriend says I need to really believe it. That I need to “put it out there” and I’ll “get it back” or something like that (I really was listening, Alisa – you know I just have a hard time retaining). She says it’s all about energy and I can’t have negative energy or it’ll never happen. Well guess what? I’ve got the negative energy... and lots of it! It’s all around me. I can’t rid myself of it because, well, I don’t believe the bullshit anymore, I suppose. Or maybe I’m just going through some kind of shitty phase. I’m think I’m gonna go with that because it’s easier to accept.

But I’m not going to sit here and whine about how I can’t find that special one for me. It’s just so, whiny, you know? Just know that if I were a negative barometer, I’d be at a minus 10 right about now!!

More Followers?

So it's my...... 29th (HA!) birthday and I'm sitting at home in front of my laptop.  I am a DAMN good time! 

I just read an article that told me I should write a post about becoming a follower of my blog.  That said, if you are here and reading this, do you see the widget on the right hand side of your computer screen there?  It says Become a Follower or something like that?  If you like what you've read so far, you can get automatic updates when I write a new post since you'll most likely never return here without my prompting and while I don't mind reminding you to come back, I'd REALLY like to get past 10 followers.  So how 'bout it?  You can follow publicly or privately (if you do it publicly, I'll at least know you're following, which would be very cool).

SO...... come on - become a follower.  All that will happen is you'll get an email when I write a new post and that's not so bad, is it?  If you really like my blog, email it to a friend.  After all, I need the practice here to write my book (if I don't drop dead first).  Consider it a birthday gift to yours truly.  Who knows, maybe I'll mention you in my forward.....  ;)

To My Loving Dog....

To my loving dog who I could not bear the thought of living without,

Please stop feeling the absolute need to lay directly beneath wherever I am sitting in fear that you might miss something because on the very rare occasion that I get up and don't look for you (like earlier today), I will step on you and you will become startled and jump to your feet which will cause my legs to get entangled in all four of your legs and your body, which will ultimately cause me to lose my balance completely and fall to the floor, hitting it's surface very hard because I am not a skinny little bitch anymore.  Whichever part of my overweight body hits the floor first will undoubtedly bruise and most likely hurt for the following week.  Being completely out of shape and another year older tomorrow, it is no doubt that I will also tweak something in my back and in about 3 hours, that will start to ache as well. 

In closing, my dear dog, I love you more than anything in this world, but you really gotta cut that shit out!

-Your human

For Cody

For Cody

Gone way too soon

Keep a fire burning in your eye
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down

I don't remember losing track of you
You were always dancing in and out of view
I must've thought you'd always be around

Always keeping things real by playing the clown
Now you're nowhere to be found

I don't know what happens when people die
Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try
It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear that I can't sing
I can't help listening

I can't help feeling stupid standing 'round
Crying as they ease you down
'Cause I know that you'd rather we were dancing

Dancing our sorrow away - right on dancing
No matter what fate chooses to play
There's nothing you can do about it anyway

Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone

Keep a fire for the human race
Let your prayers go drifting into space
You never know what will be coming down

Perhaps a better world is drawing near
And just as easily, it could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning you might have found

Don't let the uncertainty turn you around
The world keeps turning around and around
Go on and make a joyful sound

Into a dancer you have grown
From a seed somebody else has thrown
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own
And somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive but you'll never know

Another 1st Date

I keep doing it.  I'm told I have to forge on.... I have to weed them out.  I, myself, say it's process of elimination.  Sure, it makes sense, but is it realistic? 

I went on yet another first day tonight.  My parents laugh when I tell them because they say I have no interest in dating anyone.  It could be true.  Who knows.  Yet, I continue to put myself through it.  I keep saying one of these times it will be the right one.  Is it just a joke?  Is the joke on me?  Yes, I'm happy.  Yes, I'm content by myself.  Yet I'm open to a relationship.  But then, when I find the possibility of one, I seem to have no interest.  I'd say it's me, but there was John.  Ah yes, the infamous John.  Thank goodness for him, really, though, because if it wasn't for him, I would SWEAR it was me.  But...... he was real.  I.....fell for him.  Some might say I loved him.  Who knows.  I don't even know what the fuck love is.  But whatever it was, I had it - felt it - for him.  So there.  I know I'm not broken.  Or fucked up.  I know I CAN feel and want and, dare I say it..... love. 

So I go on yet another 1st date tonight.  To sing karaoke.  At a place this guy frequents.  Great.  He knows everyone in the joint, including the owner.  Wooohooo.  Now if I was a timid, reserved woman, this might be a problem.  But I'm none of those things.  I'm me.  Eventually, he leaves and I'm left there, with the people HE knows because I'm having a good time so why should I go home?  He has to get back to his 14 and 15 year old, you know?  That's fine.  I tell him he can just tell me if he didn't have a good time or whatever the case is - it's all good.  I had a good time, blah, blah, blah.  Whatever.... I don't have time to try and figure him out.  Either tell me what's on your mind or keep it to yourself and deal with it on your own.  To be quite honest, there were plenty of things he did that turned me off but you know - whatever.

So I'm having a good time.  I sing a song for the birthday girl who is having a party there.  Now it's time for me to go.  I've had a few drinks and I know if I stay, I'll just get into trouble.  This 33 year old walks out with me (mind you, he looks 22 and is cute as a freaking button).... we are talking and talking..... he asks me if I'm going to another bar.  I say no.  I wonder if he's hitting on me and I'm just too stupid to realize it (because you know, he just got engaged and all).  Then, as I'm running to my car in the rain, I tell him "You're too freaking cute!"...... Why did I not stay?????

So I leave and I'm driving home contemplating all of it.  What was a 33 year old doing in the parking lot with me?  He made several comments that any normal person would construe as hitting on me, except for me..... I'm too dumb.  I'm on my way home when I'm thinking what a waste that was.  How the person I went there to meet turned out to be most likely a big fat zero but yet I had a 33 year old flirting with me from the second my "date" walked out the door and what did I do?  A big fat NOTHING.  And then it happens.  The meaning of life.  What is it?  Why am I here?  What's the purpose?  FOR WHAT?  Ugh.  Not a good time for all that to kick in.

It was looong ride home.  It was rainy and I was crying.  I parked my car in the parking lot and put the seat back and sat there for a little bit.  Quite frankly, I didn't really give a shit what happened at that point.  And that wasn't the first thought like that I had all night.  There were several times driving home that I thought it.  Not good.  Why?  The alcohol, surely.    I'm alone because I chose to be alone yet do I want to be alone?  Yes.  Then why do I keep going on these first dates?  And what the fuck is my problem?  Ah, if I only knew. 

My dog is curled up in a ball next to me on the bed.  That seems to be the only sure thing in my life right now.  Rather.... it's usually the sure thing in my life.  My boy.  My Harrison.  Dog is my co-pilot.  Lord give me many more years with the mutt.  I don't know how many more 1st dates I can weather without him by my side.

I'm Back

With nothing to say. HA! Hmmmm, let's see..... give me an idea, what should I blog about? I got nothin'.

How about my thoughts on parent drivers?  :)

Auto-Correct Gone Wrong

I usually take my time reading forwarded jokes. 
They get a chuckle out of me and every now and again I laugh out loud,
but the email I read this morning that my mother sent me made me
cry, choke, and wake my downstairs neighbor.
I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard, for so long. 
Just in case you didn't get to see it, I needed to pass it along.

This is how terribly wrong auto-correct on "smartphones" can turn out....

See if you can choose just one favorite!